For the past month, I have been unemployed (I'll wait for the applause to die down). I know that for many, that adjective holds a bad connotation. But, having the kind of work ethic I do, I'm not worried about what my title says to others, I'm just being the best at whatever it is that I am doing. So, as of now, I'm the best there is at being currently unemployed. Now, admittedly, I'm new in the game. There are many who have been unemployed for longer than I have, and who have had fewer lapses into employment than me. But, I like to think that I'm an innovator. I'm not just playing the same old game that every other unemployed bloke has been playing for years, I'm treading new ground. You see, that's the secret. It's not the person who follows the rules and does things the traditional way that gets noticed, it's the trail-blazer that gets people talking.
Now, those of you not in the know (i.e. those of you who have a job) may not be aware of the fine art of being unemployed. It's okay, it's not for everyone. But I feel that, being the great communicator that I am, I should at least try to unleash my pedagogical prowess and enlighten you working folk with a few "tools of the trade", if you will. It may get me in trouble with the Union of Unemployed Practitioners (it's a very informal group, I assure you), but I'm willing to put in a little "work" to let you in on just what it takes to be professionally unemployed.
Some Terminology
Like every trade or art, being unemployed has its own vocabulary. It allows us to differentiate between a guy who's genuinely unemployed from a guy who's just unshaven and wearing sweatpants. Here's a quick run-down:
"Get Up Early"- This can mean a few different variants on one common theme, which is, getting up before your natural clock wakes you up at noon to inform you that you haven't urinated in 12 hours and your belly is lacking the cake that is in your fridge. For some, it means waking up when your employed significant other wakes up to go to his/her job. For others, it means waking up when the phone rings and you have to explain to either your mother or the Student Loan representative that you still don't have an income. Either way, the only way to wipe away the tears is to steam them away with a piping hot cup of coffee (which you set for automatic brew at 7 am, when you really wanted to get up, but has now been "slow cooking" for about 4 hours).
"Beefing up the Resume"- When you talk to an unemployed friend, and his reply to your query about what he's doing is "beefing up the resume", that's just tech-speak. Now, this reply is a a placeholder, a stock answer to cover up various activities such as; watching full seasons of a canceled television comedy, downloading full discographies of bands that he used to listen to in high school (you know, before they got mainstream), or, most likely, on a wild Wikipedia goose chase. These Wiki-ventures usually start at one topic and end at some seemingly unconnected topic. Famous journeys include: "From Prince to Operation Paperclip", "Start: The Hubble Telescope; End: 1919 World Series" and the infamous "In Wadsworth and Out Three Brothers"
"Job Search"- Any unemployed person, at some point or another, is going to refer to the "job search". Beware, this is a code word that alerts other unemployed people that the person in question is also unemployed and attempting to look active and optimistic. In most cases, the searching that goes on usually involves the refrigerator, the television, or both. The term "job search" is an elastic term, which can stretch to cover many hours and many days of other activities that may or may not involve pants.
Tools of the Trade
Being unemployed, while not technically a job, is still work. Like all work, there are tools that make the work easier to do. Here's a short, non-exhaustive list of some of the things that are involved in being unemployed.
Coffee- More than even those who do have a job, those who are looking for one need caffeine. Why? Because when you have little reason to wake up, there is even less reason to stay up (granted, this does not hold true of there is a marathon of the Whammy Show on). You can identify how long a person has been unemployed by what kind of coffee they have. If they have been unemployed for a short amount of time, it's most likely still top-shelf; Intelligentsia, Starbucks, Caribou. Those unemployed for longer have moved on down to Eight O' Clock Bean, Chock-Full-o-Nuts, Papa Nicholas. If you're like me, however, you're proudly scooping your joe out of a big ol' jug of Maxwell House. If you are visiting and unemployed friend, and you see a jar of Sanka next to the percolator, it may be too late.
Sweatpants- Every group, be it ethnic, religious, political, or otherwise, has its traditional aesthetics. The unemployed are no different. The single most prominent part of the appearance of an unemployed man is his sweatpants. While it may seem like the adoption of sweatpants by the unemployed was purely for looks, sweatpants provide an functionality that is just unmatched by other garments. Granted, during the summer months, and for those a bit more fashion forward, pajama pants or mesh basketball shorts may be substituted. The messenger might change, but the message is still the same; "My scrotum is covered up, are you happy now?!"
The Internet - Multitasking may seem like something for only those who are employed, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Us unemployed folk appreciate the ability to do many things at once, and embrace the tools that allow us to do so. The Internet, which was invented by then-Vice President Al Gore, is useful in allowing the unemployed person to appear as if they're working, while they are really just using IMDB to find a connection between Charlie Chaplain and Kevin Bacon (trust me, I'll find it!). One can be on Facebook, listed as "online", and when someone chats them up, the quick reply is "job searching". But anyone who's unemployed, sipping their Folgers, wearing soft plaid bottoms, knows exactly what's going on.
So, there you have it. Granted, this guide is just a sample, a tip of the iceberg. New innovations in "funemployment" are being made all the time. There are breakthroughs in areas such as "Laughing Through Tears of Self-Loathing While Watching 'Loco y Gordo' on Univision" or "More Efficiently Fishing the Chunks of Cookie Dough Out of Ice Cream". But to go into details would be boring. After all, you've got work to do, don't you?
8 hours ago
