Perhaps It's the Idea of My Desk

As a quasi-academic, I feel that it's my duty to have a desk. This desk has all the necessary qualities that the desk of an academic ought to have; it's old, it's heavy, it's worn. Perhaps this desk is a bit, shall I say, underutilized. I have my computer on it (when it's not being used). There are a few books on it (academic books, which I read while not at the desk), and there are various pens and utensils (all legal and registered, I assure you) scattered about the work surface. But perhaps the most unique property that my desk possesses is the black hole that can be found somewhere above the drawers and below the envelope-sized compartments. There lies a black hole whose force is so great that it sucks all productivity and work ethic out of whoever sits near it. I cannot locate, therefore I cannot eliminate the source of said hole. Thus all of my ambition and plans disappears once I take my place at the swivelly chair in front of said desk.

And yet, each and every day, I take a seat at the desk. I place a mug of coffee next to the computer, I open up my laptop computer, and I start.....not doing work! It's that simple. I do all of things that one does when preparing to do work, but I then commence to do no work whatsoever. I cannot tell you what I do, for it eludes even me. At the time, it seems satisfying and productive. I appear busy and immersed, because I am! But my immersion is into something entirely counterproductive. It is as if I cleared several hours of my schedule in order to obliterate and reverse past hours of productivity. Nietzsche once wrote (roughly) "and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you". Such is true of my desk. But if the story of science has taught me one thing, it's that every great force that is granted a seat of absolute, unchanging power and authority, is eventually shown to hold only relative power. The atom was unseated by quarks, leptons, and so on. The speed of light proved to be not quite the fastest thing out there. Can my desk's seemingly unrelenting reign of productivity consumption be defeated by another, heretofore unknown force? I would never dare posit any certainty in my reply (I have learned enough to know better, and known enough to learn better, for that matter). But I shall say it is likely. It is likely that my desk's power can be bested by some other force, perhaps one that, like most newly discovered scientific powerhouse entities, has been here all along. I like to call that theoretical force "my resolve". An equation proving its existence will follow, watch the academic journals.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Hit Back!

I don't want to pigeon-hole myself as the guy who's always uncovering secret conflicts about which the public has been misled or excluded from the know, but this opportunity was too important to pass up. You see, for years--nay decades--we've been at war with the Moon. In fact, a few days ago, we celebrated the 40th anniversary of our first attack on lunar soil (well, it's not technically soil, but I'll get to that later). While the major news networks would have you believe that our landing on the moon was a mere "accomplishment" of a "scientific nature", the facts tell another story.

Since man first took to the skies, in the early 1900s, there has been much ado about those skies, and their boundaries. The Wright brothers, who first successfully flew a manned mission to the skies, had a long-standing feud with the Moon, which had been mostly one-sided. However, once the two brothers backed their threats with a flying vehicle, the Moon had to take the men more seriously. Lunar foreign policy was more liberal than that of Earth, so the idea of an attack was last on the agenda. The U.S., however, was more hawkish in its approach as the century entered its halfway point. In 1958 NACA was dissolved as the governmental body governing the exploration of the skies. In a move to unequivocally threatening the Moon, the United States created NASA, a much more warlike entity by its nature, with the stated purpose of putting men in space.

This period of human history, aptly named "The Space Race", was fueled by attempts by the United States and the Soviet Union to push farther into space. As the U.S. was still following the Wright Brothers' plan to overthrow the Moon, their policy was more cautious, and took a slower approach. But with the U.S.S.R's launch of Sputnik I, the U.S. became fearful that the Soviets were trying to actively recruit the moon's help in a two-front war against the U.S. In a memo to then President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Secretary of Defense Thomas Gates said:

Given the recent Soviet activity in space travel, more aggressive moves must be made to initiate policy goals regarding the Moon. It is crucial that we mount a preemptive attack on the Moon within the decade, in an effort to stop an attack from a Lunar-Soviet Alliance.

President Kennedy, taking this advice seriously, even said in his now famous "Moon Speech";

We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

I don't expect everyone to pick up on the coded message contained in Kennedy's rhetoric, especially not if you are watching footage of it, as his charm overpowers even the most discerning of ears. But allow me to explain. When Kennedy says "the other things", he is referring to inter-celestial-body war. Sure, we're going to go to the moon, but we're also going to do "the other things", like mount an offensive and establish a moon base, thus keeping the moon in check and the Soviets thinking that the U.S. now has an alliance with the moon.

I don't want to say that landing on the moon in 1969 ended the Cold War by tricking the Soviets into thinking that the Moon had chosen to ally itself with us, I'll leave that to the experts. I also would never dare claim that one of the best kept secrets of astronomy is that the moon is made of cheese, but a different kind of non-cow's milk cheese. But I will say this. On the day of the moon landing's anniversary, I celebrated in a way that was symbolic and appropriate; I purchased a block of aged cheddar cheese and ate it--while reading the Communist Manifesto. Take that, Khrushchev!

Ulanacks: Supercharge Your Vocab!

Blogs are more educational than most people think. Sure, you can read the contents and maybe learn some things in the form of sentences and paragraphs. But then again, all that stuff is outdated, we're living in a soundbite world, we don't have time for full sentences! Twitter has taught us that if you can't say it in 140 characters or less, it's not worth saying. But with only a few words to use, you've got to be wise with how you say what you're thinking. But you also need to demonstrate that you're an innovator and on the cutting edge of words, you know vocabulation! Luckily, if you try to leave a comment on a blog, it will, I presume as a Public Service agreement with the owners of the Internet, provide you with a new word to go forth and use. Unfortunately, these words are not supplied with corresponding definitions, so that you may use them correctly. But fear not, readers, for I have used my investigative shovel and dug up the meanings to some of my favorite blog-comment-supplied vocabulary words.

adami- A dish usually consisting of soybean pods without the beans.

pallike- The quality of being similar to a friend or "pal", but not quite as familiar. See also "palish".

bulasten- A present perfect verb meaning "making loud noises" or "firing a firearm quickly or prolifically". See also "blasting".

extro- An amount slightly more than one can handle in any given context. E.g. "I'd like a sandwich with extro jalapenos, enough to make my mouth explode."

Quisphom- A small, agrarian village in Tolkien's Middle-Earth.

Wirmo - The "boss" who opposes Mario at the end of the first level of Bizarro Super Mario Brothers 2 (which is what the people on Earth 2 play).

Dieses- A cognate of the German article translatable to "the" in English, combined with the being verb "is" for more colloquial usage. E.g: "Dieses red ones!" [see also doses]

cotate- To rotate in tandem, as in, with a teammate.

propun- The position of being in favor of the practice of wordplay.

plogyme- An antiquated farm implement used for tilling fields and/or assisting in child birth.

cohum- Substitutable for "so-so".

anting- The practice of eating large amounts of insects via sucking them through a straw.

Now, go forth, and use the power of words, being ever more verbose! Also, make sure that when you leave a comment on my humble blog, and it asks you to type the word above in the space provided, you go on to use the word given to you. And if you don't know the meaning of the word, just ask me. It's what I'm here for.

The Inside Scoop: Hot Hot Heat!

Ladies and Gentleman, I like to think of this blog as my megaphone straight into the life-advice center of your brain. I try to tell you, the blog audience (www.audience.com), things that are important to know. But not all of the golden nuggets of advice that I mine for you are from the cave of my own mind. Nay, some of these things are hot-off-the-press fresh from my own experience. Today's advice is just such a fresh slice from my mind-meat (sounds just dirty enough to get you interested, no?).

I recently moved in with a lady, more importantly, a lady who is not my mother. Furthermore, this lady is under the impression that I am, for some reason or another, attractive and charming (swear to me you won't tell her the truth). So far, for the past week, things have been great. I am allowed out of my cage for 2-3 hours at a time, I have a corner to "do my business" and toys to chew on. But recently, I noticed that deep within the depths of our walk-in closet, there is....another door!!! Now, naturally, having seen a certain film a few years ago, I theorized that perhaps this was a portal allowing me to experience life as John Malkovich. Needless to say, I was cautious, but curious nonetheless.

I decided to appease my curiosity and go exploring. After all, I lived here now, this was my door to explore as well, right?! So, I gathered some inspiration. I watched Geraldo Rivera's investigative uncovering of Al Capone's vault, I popped in an episode of Dora the Explorer, I watched the 1985 film "Explorers" (which may or may not be on a VHS tape in my parents' home). I packed what I would need to survive; a sandwich, some fruit snacks, vitamin tablets, a copy of Where the Wild Things Are, a flashlight, and a mini tape recorder. I then cautiously, but with all the courage I could muster, opened the foreboding door.

It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the light difference, but when they did, I found....a hot water heater. What follows is my interview with the heater, as transcribed from my tape recorder:

Mikeosaurus: Sir, could you tell me just what exactly it is that you do here, in my apartment?

Hot Water Heater: *bubble bubble* *whrrrrrrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: Hmm, well, why do you hide out in a room in the closet, and not behind a door with vents on it, near the living room, like in other apartments?

Hot Water Heater: *wooosh* *bubble bubble*

Mikeosaurus: Yeah, I can understand that, being a minor"deep web" celebrity myself, I do relish my privacy sometimes. But why the need for a door just like the ones leading to my closet, or the bedroom, or the bathroom, even? Isn't that a bit misleading?

Hot Water Heater: *ka-klunk* *b-b-b-b-brrrrrrrr-click*

Mikeosaurus: I assure you I didn't intend to offend you, I'm just trying to get down to brass tacks here.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble*

Mikeosaurs: No, brass tacks t-a-c-k-s, as in; things you put in a corkboard, not legislation to gain money from big band era trumpeters. I understand the confusion, though. Well, I guess I've learned all that I can from you, you seem to be recycling the same rhetoric at this point.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble* *whrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: ...yeah, like I said. Anyway, it's been a joy, I assure you, but I've got to run, "Empty Nest" is on TVLand.

So, there you have it! Deep from the cavernous insides of my apartment, the answers to life's burning questions have burst forth!

[editor's note: I did eat the sandwich and the fruit snacks. The vitamins were yucky, so I threw them away, and "Where the Wild things Are" proved to dense and involved to be the light reading for which I had hoped.]

World, Give Me Your CO2!!!!!

Every once in a while, one of my passions intersects with a philanthropic enterprise, the scale of which stands to bring the world back from the brink of destruction. Now, admittedly, this has not happened many times, or maybe so far at all. However, recently, as my lady and I were driving back from 7-11's Free Slurpee Day (the magical day when you can shoplift from a convenience store and everyone's super-okay with it), this intersection happened on my cerebral highway.

You see, I've always wanted to save the world. I used to want to be Batman, and in doing so, would obviously be able to save the world by being one of the leading members of the JLA (the Justice League of America, need I spell everything out for you?). But as I grew up, I came to the realization that many people approaching adulthood do: Bizarro and Darkseid are not real threats to the planet Earth. But really, though I am 6'5", 210, and college-educated (I'll let that sink in, MacArthur Genius Grant Board of Trustees), not even I could defeat such massively powerful villains. However, there is a real entity threatening our planet. It is not other-worldly, it is not a powerful and malevolent super-being. Nay, that which threatens our earthly existence is less than a breath away.

To catch everyone up, there is this phenomenon (read: thing) happening to our planet called "Global Warming". In this "warming", the Earth's temperature is increasing, weather conditions are getting more violent and unpredictable, and Polar Bears' habitats are getting increasingly smaller. Now, my original hope was that the simplest explanation of such trends would be the right one, and this was the obvious work of a super-advanced "weather ray" constructed by Dr. Strange (Hugo Strange, of the DC Universe, not to be confused with Dr. Strange of the Marvel Universe, who was technically a sort of "good guy"). Sadly, I was mistaken, and thus found that the real culprit was of another nature. Folks, I'm talking about CO2, Carbon Dioxide, "the Big Fizz". But how can we fight against, or even hope to contain a threat so ever-present? How can we do anything about a dangerous gas that comes out of our mouth every time we breathe? Fear not, people, I have the answer.

Lately, I've developed a love for carbonated refreshments. I love soda. I love seltzer water, mineral water, club soda, hell, if it's sparkling, I'm drinking it. I even tried Tonic Water (it's bad, really bad, you heard it here first, thank me later). When it comes down to it, I want my beverages carbonated. The more fizz, the better it is (that rhymed on purpose, by the way). Let me tell you; lately, I've been downing bubbly beverages like they're going out of style. There's just something so joyful about drinking down liquid with tangy bubbles in it! By now, you should be on to what I'm suggesting. That's right, world, give me your CO2!! I will take one for the team. I will drink down the world's problems, one 20oz bottle at a time. Consider me your carbon dioxide receptacle, the sweeping broom to erase your carbon footprint. I've been doing more than my part for quite some time now. In fact, almost every beverage I enjoy in a day is carbonated. If I could find a way to siphon deadly CO2 out of the air and into my morning coffee, I would. Unfortunately, the gas cannot dissolve into hot liquids, which is why hot soda goes flat so easily (thanks, Bill Nye!). My point is, I may not help out at the homeless shelter, I may drive a car, spewing exhaust fumes into the air, sure, I may even special order hair spray with CFCs from foreign countries in which there is no ban on them like there is here. But I am doing something, world! I am taking our Ozone Layer's biggest threat and depositing it in my gullet. But you know what? I am loving every last drop of it. Drink up, to saving the world!

The Ontologist Is In

Whatever you do, wherever you live, whether you use Internet Explorer or Firefox (sidenote: remember Netscape?), there's one thing that you're doing for certain; existing. But what does that entail? Please, don't try to answer this kind of question on your own, that's why I'm here. You see, I am what's called an Ontologist. It's pronounced in a very similar way to Oncologist, and I'll gladly let people assume that I work to cure cancer, no problem. But while cancer may not be my game, I can help you with any trope-related question.

Let me break it down for you. Ontology is the study of what is. No, that's not an error of omission, it is correct. You might wonder why I didn't say "Ontology is the study of what exists", and to that I would respond by stressing the importance and wide, all-inclusive scope of what I do. You see, there are things (stay with me), and most of these things exist. Some of these things, however, do not exist. But some existants which exist are not things, but moreso abstract entities (or perhaps an entity is really a thing, in which case "things" would be something other than things, but NOT nothing). There are also groups of things, which may or may not be arbitrary, and therefore not really entities, and may or may not exist. As an Ontologist, it is my job to study these things (and non-things), and tell people about what is, and what isn't.

So, why does this make my job better than any other job? Glad you asked, let's examine:

Usually, in any given discipline or specialty, the practitioner gains knowledge of one particular area, a set of things, if you will. As an Ontologist, I study all sets of things. Hell, I can even tell you about sets that don't have things in them! My point here is that whereas most specialists have to know only information about certain kinds of things, I have to know information about all kinds of things. I am even responsible for explaining the existential status of information itself! I think at this point you get my drift.

But back to my original point; I know some stuff about things. I also know a thing or two about stuff. I have abstract knowledge about particulars and particular know-how when it comes to abstract objects. I deal in actual possibilities, possible actualities, necessary actualities, and necessary possibilities. This is to say, you can trust me with things (and stuff that isn't a thing). I know that sometimes you'll ask yourself if something's real, or if something is really a thing. That is why I'm here. Your nose; a thing. The moon; a thing. A unicorn; a possibly non-existent, possibly possible, non-actual, but nonetheless a thing. Let's say you want to know how many angels can fit on the end of a pin. Depending on what gauge it is, usually no less than the amount of unicorns presently living on Earth's non-existent second moon. Bam! Problem solved!

All I'm saying is consider me the Dear Abby of Ontological inquiries. I am hereby announcing my services as available to you, my loving public. I am the Web's official Ontologist, ready to let you know what's real, what's not, and what may or may not be a Chimera.