The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide: How to Be a Gentleman

Folks, this blog is a lot of things. It's a website, it's a journal, it's an abstract entity, possibly identical to 1s and 0s in a server, possibly an irreducible abstract entity floating on the ephemera like a surfer on the waves of the ocean (whoooooa, maaaaan!). But more than anything, it's a place to get educated. Sure, there might be concerns of truthfulness, and I'll grant you that they may be valid. But I ask you this; since when does something need to be true in order for you to learn it? I know many things about the Loch Ness Monster and also about Oprah Winfrey, but we know that it's unlikely that either of those mythical beasts exist! So, stop worrying about truth functions, and start worrying about dinner functions, as I present The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide to Being a Gentleman.

1) Adopt a Sobriquet
This Step is crucial. Having a normal name like "George" or "James" is not enough. One must have an esteemed nickname that gives people the impression of importance, then the importance itself will follow. So, if your name is Ben, for instance, a good sobriquet would be something like Ben the Devourer of Souls, or something along those lines. You get the idea.

2) Make an Entrance
As a gentleman, you have to be memorable, and part of being memorable, if not most of it, is making an entrance. There are a wide range of things you can do to make an effective entrance, so be imaginative, but be classy! Any expensive tools or special effects that you can incorporate, all the better! An example might be using smokebombs and flashbangs to create a loud and smoky atmosphere to cut through with, oh I don't know....your giant 12th century Cornish broadsword, for instance. There's nothing that says "you might want to look at me as I enter, I'm kind of important" quite like disorientating and confusing (while possibly deafening) the rest of the party. Other useful tools that can be mixed in and out of your routine include, but are not limited to: a cape (or cowl, if you so choose, but they're often reserved for yacht parties, as opposed to normal swanky indoor affairs), a gold crown complete with rare gemstones, a scepter, being carried in by muscular servants, lighting, a Mongol horde, etc.

3) Create Interest
This step is vital. You're not really a distinguished Gentleman unless people really want to talk to you and/or fondle you oh so gently. In order to make this happen, you're going to need to create interest in yourself. This is not the same as striking up a conversation, nay--you're going to need to be the conversation. And if your entrance was not enough to do this, have some "personal effects" to create you-centered conversation. Take out the money that you minted yourself, with a picture of you on it! Immediately lay claim to the bar as a peripheral fiefdom of your empire. Surely, at least the noblemen already laying claim to the snack table will have something to say to you then!

4) Pronunciate!
Okay, you might have some people talking to you, but you'll quickly lose them if you don't follow a vital rule of gentlemanliness; pronunciate! There's a certain way that gentleman speak, and you will be the first one labelled as a cad if you don't follow it. For instance, "labour", "colour", and "centre" are words you'll want to utilize. This is especially important when speaking, as a true gentleman will not read your writings himself, his loyal man-servant will do that, so if you misspell, the gentleman will be none the wiser. But a carefully trained ear can surely pick up the difference between "razor" and "razour".

5) Play it as it Lies.
This should be pretty self explanatory. Also, replace your divots.

6) Never Ask a Woman's Age or Weight
It's impolite to ask a lady how much she weighs or how old she is. However, if either topic comes up in conversation, it is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to guess a woman's age or weight. In fact, if you do manage to guess either one or both, rules of etiquette demand that she give you a prize.....or intercourse (the rules are dated, but still generally followed).

7) Know When to Leave
A true gentleman will not wait until the party is winding down to leave. In fact, a true gentleman will not even wait until the conversation dies down to leave. To make sure that you're leaving at the top of the night, leave when the conversation is just getting good. Furthermore, leave in the middle of someone's sentence. Then not only will you effectively "go out on top", but you'll also be certain to leave a lasting impression.
Hint: Utilize smoke bombs or a trap door to leave can make your entrance even more abrupt and memorable. If a trap door is utilized, make sure to use a cushion below it. Nothing is more embarrassing than making a grand exit, only to shatter your ankle, thus giving away the location of the secret underground tunnel that you prepared just for this party.

This is not all there is to being a gentleman, but it is what I would call a crash course. It should get you acquainted with all of the basics of Gentlemanliness. A quick tip on dress. When wearing a tie to an event, the wider the tie knot and the thicker the tie, the better. It's nice to speak well of a party, but every gentleman knows that these events are really just a place to compare knot width. Go forth!

Grown-up Dreams

When I was a kid, my parents always told me to follow my dreams. It wasn't until I gathered a hundred chickens and strolled naked with them into gym class one day, that my parents realized that my interpretation of their advice was too literal. These days, I stick to the dreams that don't involve nudity (though, a few of those actually came true). You could say I'm more practical, more grown up, more humuncular. You can say that last thing, but you'd be borderline nonsensical.
After all, I'm nothing like a little "man inside a man", in most ways.
Nevertheless, these days, I am getting used to the fact that my dreams must be adjusted a bit to fit my circumstances. For instance; whereas, when I was a child, I had wanted to be a Ghostbuster, I will now have to settle for being a Ghostbuster's assistant. It's more practical, less training is required, and the risk is notably lower. Also, whereas I used to want to be Rich, I will now settle for being Rick, Dick, or any derivative thereof. You get the idea.

The point is, times change, and as they do, so must our dreams. We used to be encouraged to reach for the stars, but now, just flying at a cruising altitude through the cloud cover will have to do. Or will it? Do I, do WE have to downsize our dreams just because we're inching closer to talking seriously about our prostates (ladies, I know you do it too)? Perhaps there is a compromise that we can flesh out with Father Time. Perhaps we can tinker with the copy machine by day, and tweak the time machine by night. You can add a screened-in patio AND a portal to Dino-land in your house! This isn't nearly as hard as people think. we adults are always using our immaginations, it just usually involves breasts or a Swiss Bank account. If only we could re-allocate our dream energy...

Greeeeeeeeeeg!?!

Today, I was talking with my brother when we were rudely interrupted by his phone. Sure, it played a fun ringtone and I danced a little jig until he picked it up, but that's not the point. The point is, he never really gets phone calls, and neither do I--we were excited. He flipped open the phone (he has what's called a "flip-phone", it's truly a sight to see) and proceeded to greet the as-yet anonymous caller on the other end. The caller requested the conversation of one "Greg". Now, in doing so, he didn't so much ask if Greg was there, as much as he assumed that my brother was Greg and that he was ready to have a good old talk.

Folks, my brother's name is not Greg. It actually only shares one letter with the name "Greg", but that's a vowel, which really only counts for half a letter. My brother had to inform this man on the other line that he is not Greg, as he has not been for the past month or so. You see, apparently, my brother has been receiving calls for Greg for a few weeks now. During that time, he has not come any closer to being Greg.

Sad as this situation is for my brother, it must be even sadder for Greg. There seems to be a lot of stuff that Greg is missing these days. This does not sit well with me. Perhaps I should explain. The man on the other line, in presuming that my brother was Greg, became really excited at the prospect of talking to Greg, altering the tone of his voice with an elongated short "e" sound as follows: "is this Greeeeeeeeeg?". One does not do that unless they're ready for some partying or a general good time. This has led me to give this Greg the nickname "Good-Time Greg", to distinguish him from other Gregs (Lugagnis, Maddux, Television's husband to Dharma, etc.).

My point is this: Good-Time Greg is missing out on some good times. My brother is getting what would be Greg's good-time calls, and he's inadvertently turning the good-time meter down a few notches when he informs the good-time seekers that he's not Greg. So my question is this: Greg, where are you? Furthermore, wherever you are, are you feeling something missing? Is there a little less pep in your step? If so, I can bet I know why. Your "in need of a good time" friends are unable to reach out and touch you, so to speak. So please, Greg, Gregster, Greg-a-rama, Greg-a-leg-a-ding-dong, Daddy Long-Gregs, Greggers-can't-be-choosers, Green Gregs and Ham, or whatever other nicknames you use....read this blog, and call your friends. They are looking for you. They miss you. The good times just aren't as good without you.

Brand New Teen Monster Erotica

There seems to be a new trend in the world of books and film. Okay, there are actually two trends. The first is the new explosion of films and books based on the following formula: occult creature + semi-erotic teen romance = franchised genre success. The second trend is based on another, slightly more complicated formula: erotic teen movie about occult creatures - (filmstock + script format) + new title similar to film title = new successful teen book series.

In following with the aforementioned formulae, I would like to propose a new franchise upon which to build mounds of books and quickly-thrown-together films. The idea will utilize the unfairly overlooked occult creature created by the legendary Dr. Victor Frankenstein. I'm not quite sure of a title at this point, but as the trend seems to dictate that it be related to an aspect of the creature's mythos, I'm thinking maybe "Fire, Bad!" The plot would go something like this:

Dr. Frankenstein moves to a small Midwestern town with his "son", whom he assembled from body parts of deceased people and brought to life using electricity. The young man attends the local high school, where he is a sort of outcast, but since his origin is secret, everyone assumes it is because he's the only Jewish kid in the school. The attractive young girl, Bonita, finds herself attracted to the strange, baritone-voiced young man. The two meet when Bonita is being harassed by a few of the football players. Hearing the commotion, young "Frank" approaches the culprits and rips their arms off. Bonita, impressed and more curious, follows Frank around, knowing that something is different about him, very different. She finally corners him and asks if he would like to go to a party, and he reluctantly obliges. Once at the party, the sight of the bonfire that the students have created causes young Frank to inexplicably go crazy and tear apart the host's house.

Bonita confronts him the next day, and lists the curious traits that have confirmed her suspicions:

Bonita: You're skin is green and rough, you have bolts in your neck, you're inexplicably scared of fire...
Frank: Say it...
Bonita: Frankenstein's Monster!

The forbidden love just flows from there, folks. Bonita falls madly for Frank, but there are so many hurdles. He's dead and has the intelligence of a 6 year-old child, her parents, being slightly anti-Semitic, disapprove of Bonita being with a Jewish boy (but they'd be more angry if they found out that he was an amalgam of dead people). Frank is afraid that he'll rip the young girl's arms off if he gets too excited, and the townsfolk have started getting suddenly angry and showing up at the Frankenstein residence with pitchforks and torches. It's a can't miss summer blockbuster. Girls, drag your boyfriends to the theater!

Note: This post is a special dedication to my girl, who would appreciate the light Semitic humor, and the obvious sarcastic pokes at the main "dialogue" in a certain famous vampire movie (no, not Blackula, but close!).

Tips to Survive the Machine Uprising

Sometimes people forget things. That's fine, I understand, they're only human (and that, folks, is called a tautology). But I'll tell you who isn't human; cyborgs. Picture this: you're out with your girlfriend, your best girl, your special lady. You're at a nice restaurant, the champagne is flowing, the romance is...flowing, you look in her eyes and tell her you love her deeply and truly. She looks at you blankly, with empty eyes, and says; "have you seen John Connor?" That's right, you almost married a cyborg. But now there's no getting out of the situation. If you don't know where John Connor is, you're of no use to her, so you're dead. If you do know where John Connor is, she'll just torture you until you tell her, then kill you. Either way, being intimately connected with a cyborg ends in death.

Now, to the untrained blog reader, that may have seemed like a digression, but what I am trying to relay to you, fair readers, is that despite the existence of scenes like the one described above, and in countless Terminator films, people seem to have turned a blind-eye to the cyborg threat. The literature on cyborgs is vast and detailed. Man can make a robot, and the robot can make things easier, and allow us to "multitask" and whatnot, but it always ends in the machines turning against us. Just look at the examples. Was the cyborg Superman good? No, he was evil and had to be killed. iRobot? Just ask Will Smith about his little false murder charges. The Robocoup? Every year, my mother attempts to blend several things with it for a holiday feast, and every year it rebels more violently. I could go on, but we have more ground to cover.

I see at as an obligation of mine to warn you about signs that someone close to you is a cyborg, or at the very least, in league with the cyborgs. If anyone close to you exhibits these signs, there is a very real chance that they are a machine (or part machine) and thus pose a threat to the human way of life. If you confront them with your knowledge of their mechanistic nature, they may try to strike a deal with you, in exchange for some future position of privilege in their coming empire. Beware! There is no such position, and you will either be a slave or be double-crossed. Here are some telltale signs to keep in mind:

1) The person in question talks a lot about "efficiency", "tuning things up", or "streamlining". This is merely thinly-veiled machine talk for commencing the takeover. It is possible that these phrases merely point to the person being in management, but it is best to take caution anyway. Though managers are, in fact, human, they will surely be the first to trade sides to offer their skills and catchphrases to the cyborgs.

2) The person in question inquires frequently about the whereabouts of John Connor. As I explained in the introduction, this is a clear sign, and should produce no hesitation in you, should you hear it.

3) The person in question can imitate any human voice once they've heard it. This most definitely implicates such famous entertainers as Richard Little, Frank Caliendo, and Darrell Hammond. As they say, if you want to make an omlette, you've gotta break some eggs!

4) The person in question is not harmed or affected by bullets. This should not be the first criteria used to judge whether or not someone you know is a cyborg, but it is by far the most effective and decisive. The less you spend on their Christmas gifts, the earlier you can utilize this method for judging their alleigance.

5) The person in question never appears to be thirsty, but when you see them drink, it is usually some kind of oil or petroleum byproduct. Be careful, as this could merely indicate that the person has accumulated more than 75,000 miles.

Now, you may be wondering about persons with robotic/mechanic limbs. Are they to be trusted? Can we allow them to know of our weak points? No. They are liabilities, and will surely turn to the machine side at the first opportunity. Little do they know, they will be viewed by the machines as second-class citizens and be forced to work as slaves in the human soul mines (from where the cyborgs will gain their fuel and faux "vital essences").

I hear you asking; Mike, what about our computers? Well, I'm happy to report that PCs are okay, as they have been programmed with Windows, which will crash in the event that something important rides on them having to work correctly. Macs, which have been specifically tailored to gaining human trust and alleigance, will be the first to turn against their human users.

Arm yoursleves, keep your ears to the grindstone. Knowledge is power!

Did You Know?! - S.O.M.B.Wi.S presents: Wikistorical "facts"

History is a tricky subject. If you want to really get a good knowledge of history, you have to know facts. But, as with most other areas of study, nobody really wants to study to know facts, especially when it's easier just to make them up! Thus, I have created the ultimate guide to acquiring historical knowledge without the bother of having to learn them. I call it Wikistoricism, from the Latin roots "wiki" which means "to fabricate with false authority" and "storistia" which means "stuff that may or may not have happened".

Step 1: Assert your authority!

Folks, this is then internet--which means that you can do many things that would either get you beaten up or severely reprimanded in the real world. So take advantage of this fact. The principle of "act as if" is of most use in asserting false authority. Act as if you're the expert on nuclear fusion. After all, you've been dealing with atoms and subatomic particles for your whole life! Hell, you're practically made of atoms! It's true, look it up, smarty! With that small factual basis, you can use the power of inference to build up to asserting something grandiose. Try it on your next Facebook update or Twat it on your Twiiter and watch the Twits who follow your Twuts be amazed!

Step 2: Plant the Seed of Doubt.

So you've asserted your authority and people will now listen to what you have to say. Now what? Well, it's time to widen the knowledge gap between you and those to whom you're making proclamations. This is done by planting the seed of doubt. Make them feel less knowledgeable about something by telling them something they didn't know. Example: tell a med student that vitamin C has been shown to cause extra nipple growth in rhesus monkeys. It may not be true, but it's still something that he/she didn't know! And won't they feel bad that they didn't know something whose subject they're studying in school?!

Step 3: The Crucial Question: Did You Know?....

With your "authority" asserted and your seeds of doubt carefully planted, it's time to razzle-dazzle 'em (I assure you, as a straight, twenty-something male, I totally didn't see Chicago, and definitely cannot sing that song and do the accompanying tap dance number. wink, wink) . You might think that it's time to just freeball it and throw all sorts of B.S., citing the authority of your B.A., but wait! Before you go plumbing the depths of your bullshiticus gland (which is totally a real gland, because spellcheck didn't underline it!) for scraps to throw to the peons, you need to set yourself up properly. Standard operating procedure is to preface any wikistorical fact by asking, casually; "did you know...". This does a few things. First, it reasserts your already stated authority by implying that you do, in fact, know what you're about to tell the person in quesiton. Secondly, you are basically telling this person that you assume they aren't in the know on this particular subject, whereas you are.

Step 4: Bring it Home

Now, dear friends, it's time to spin the web of falsifications. Be careful, you can still muck it up at this point! Just because you've got them eating out of your hands, doesn't mean they won't bite those hands if they don't like what you're feeding them. Still, because this is obviously part of a wager with yourself as to how absurd a ruse you can get someone to fall for, aim sky high! The trick here is to make the first part of what you say plausible to the point of being borderline true. This is called the old bait and bait some more. Now it's time to go for the explosion of absurdity. Claim that Al Capone and Babe Ruth were actually brothers, make six degrees of connection from Kevin Bacon to the Loch Ness Monster, inform your friends that the Sears Tower is actually the Seers Tower, and was built by the Illuminati as an observatory for their seers to watch over the midwest! The world is your oyster!

With these 4 steps, you can create a fog of lies so dense, you just might be recruited by Karl Rove. But remember, with great power comes great responsibility, Uncle Ben said that, before he handed over his secret rice recipe to his nephew, Spider-Man.

What Do You Telephone? (And Other Word Perversions)

So, anyone who hangs out with me is acquainted with a few facts; 1) I am not, in fact, a dinosaur (dinosaurs never evolved the ability to blog, which is probably why they went extinct) 2) I like to play with words. Now, by "play with words" I mean that I like to play with both the spelling of words and the sounds that they make. I'm partial to the English language, but I can make a few Spanish puns. But when I do this, when I spin my punnery, I am always bombarded by groans of some sort of (I assume feigned) disapproval and/or annoyance. In some cases, my better half (read: "ladyfriend" or "witchay woman") will pause, purse her lips and ask "really? seriously?". I assure you she can sound out all of those letters with her lips pursed. It's amazing, you should see her drink through 10 crazy straws and recite poetry at the same time.

My point here is that there is just soooooo much fun that you can have with words, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded by this fact. Perhaps it's just this crazy American English that I am lucky enough to have as my native tongue, but I have a feeling that languages with umlauts and slashes through their o's can probably have even more fun.

Speaking of witch, warlock. <----- See what I mean?!

I'd like to see a movie with Neil Young and Gary Oldman, so the poster could read "Young Oldman".

I think that the last thing that Garfield wanted to do was Peyote. <---- Right?!!

Do you think that that the U.S. Mint still makes cents? Is it a pepper mint or spearmint?

I only like to make turns on red, so they're alright. (sound it out, kids)

Think I've got issues? Probably, but not nearly as many as the owner of a magazine stand.

Light switches of the world, do I turn you on?

Perhaps I'm being a bit too zealous here. Let's get leisurely.
Everyone's always saying things like "I only drink on days that end in 'y'." I, on the other hand, only drink on days that end in "what". I think that if that did really happen, that'd be reason enough to drink. Don't you?

I should probably heed the advice that my mother once gave me:
Quit while you're ahead. Keep going if you're still afoot.

I red an erotic story and nearly blue my load! (Orange you glad you read that? Color me surprised!)

Now, by this point, dear readers (all 2 or so of you), you might be about at the tipping point (hint: NOT the point at which you decide to give the waiter a little extra). But I assure you, one day you will thank me for thinking of these things--it means that you don't have to. You're welcome. Now, let's bring it back to the beginning to what I asked you in my subject line.

Answer: The same thing that you television. (Waka waka!)

You Might be a White Guy

Let's face it, people; racial humor is HILARIOUS!!! Look at the evidence: Carlos Mencia, The Kings of Comedy, the PGA tour! So, in following with this, I'd like to make some of my own comedically broad, underinformed racial remarks. However, since I prefer to be non-offensive in my comical approach, I'll only make jokes about my ethicity/demographic. Thus, I give you "You might be a white guy if..."

- If you were poor when you graduated high school, so you had to settle for a state university, you might be a white guy.

- If you like beer, but make snippy comments when it's not micro-brewed, you might be a white guy.

- If you can't decide between the AE screenprint shirt that says "Well Hung Decorators" and "Chow Fun Chinese Restaurant", you might be a white guy.

- If you get really excited when "Livin' on a Prayer" comes on the radio (and bonus: you know all the words), you might be a white guy.

- If your girlfriend has to repeatedly ask you to stop addressing her as "dude", you might be a white guy.

- If you insist that there is a difference between rap and hip-hop (and subsequently claim that what you listen to is hip-hop), you might be a white guy. Also, you might be KRS-ONE.

- If you find yourself freely using the word Ghetto to explain a location or as an adjective to describe something of poor quality to a friend, you might be a white guy.

- If you pride yourself on being "old school", and let everyone know it, you might be a white guy.

- If the word "distressed" was used by the manufacturer to describe an article of clothing that you purchased, you might be a white guy.

- If you claim that you are only good at bags when you're drunk, you might be a white guy.

- If your main "move" at a club involves your arms being over your head, you might be a white guy.