ATTENTION: Check it Out!

Recently, I started a new quest, to boldly go where approximately 1% of the world's population has gone before. And I have started a new blog about it, which will be my default daily updated blog.

You can check it out here.

Thanks for taking the time to read and follow my humble blog.

All the best,
Mikeosaurus

The Best There is at What I (Don't) Do

For the past month, I have been unemployed (I'll wait for the applause to die down). I know that for many, that adjective holds a bad connotation. But, having the kind of work ethic I do, I'm not worried about what my title says to others, I'm just being the best at whatever it is that I am doing. So, as of now, I'm the best there is at being currently unemployed. Now, admittedly, I'm new in the game. There are many who have been unemployed for longer than I have, and who have had fewer lapses into employment than me. But, I like to think that I'm an innovator. I'm not just playing the same old game that every other unemployed bloke has been playing for years, I'm treading new ground. You see, that's the secret. It's not the person who follows the rules and does things the traditional way that gets noticed, it's the trail-blazer that gets people talking.

Now, those of you not in the know (i.e. those of you who have a job) may not be aware of the fine art of being unemployed. It's okay, it's not for everyone. But I feel that, being the great communicator that I am, I should at least try to unleash my pedagogical prowess and enlighten you working folk with a few "tools of the trade", if you will. It may get me in trouble with the Union of Unemployed Practitioners (it's a very informal group, I assure you), but I'm willing to put in a little "work" to let you in on just what it takes to be professionally unemployed.

Some Terminology

Like every trade or art, being unemployed has its own vocabulary. It allows us to differentiate between a guy who's genuinely unemployed from a guy who's just unshaven and wearing sweatpants. Here's a quick run-down:

"Get Up Early"- This can mean a few different variants on one common theme, which is, getting up before your natural clock wakes you up at noon to inform you that you haven't urinated in 12 hours and your belly is lacking the cake that is in your fridge. For some, it means waking up when your employed significant other wakes up to go to his/her job. For others, it means waking up when the phone rings and you have to explain to either your mother or the Student Loan representative that you still don't have an income. Either way, the only way to wipe away the tears is to steam them away with a piping hot cup of coffee (which you set for automatic brew at 7 am, when you really wanted to get up, but has now been "slow cooking" for about 4 hours).

"Beefing up the Resume"- When you talk to an unemployed friend, and his reply to your query about what he's doing is "beefing up the resume", that's just tech-speak. Now, this reply is a a placeholder, a stock answer to cover up various activities such as; watching full seasons of a canceled television comedy, downloading full discographies of bands that he used to listen to in high school (you know, before they got mainstream), or, most likely, on a wild Wikipedia goose chase. These Wiki-ventures usually start at one topic and end at some seemingly unconnected topic. Famous journeys include: "From Prince to Operation Paperclip", "Start: The Hubble Telescope; End: 1919 World Series" and the infamous "In Wadsworth and Out Three Brothers"

"Job Search"- Any unemployed person, at some point or another, is going to refer to the "job search". Beware, this is a code word that alerts other unemployed people that the person in question is also unemployed and attempting to look active and optimistic. In most cases, the searching that goes on usually involves the refrigerator, the television, or both. The term "job search" is an elastic term, which can stretch to cover many hours and many days of other activities that may or may not involve pants.

Tools of the Trade

Being unemployed, while not technically a job, is still work. Like all work, there are tools that make the work easier to do. Here's a short, non-exhaustive list of some of the things that are involved in being unemployed.

Coffee- More than even those who do have a job, those who are looking for one need caffeine. Why? Because when you have little reason to wake up, there is even less reason to stay up (granted, this does not hold true of there is a marathon of the Whammy Show on). You can identify how long a person has been unemployed by what kind of coffee they have. If they have been unemployed for a short amount of time, it's most likely still top-shelf; Intelligentsia, Starbucks, Caribou. Those unemployed for longer have moved on down to Eight O' Clock Bean, Chock-Full-o-Nuts, Papa Nicholas. If you're like me, however, you're proudly scooping your joe out of a big ol' jug of Maxwell House. If you are visiting and unemployed friend, and you see a jar of Sanka next to the percolator, it may be too late.

Sweatpants- Every group, be it ethnic, religious, political, or otherwise, has its traditional aesthetics. The unemployed are no different. The single most prominent part of the appearance of an unemployed man is his sweatpants. While it may seem like the adoption of sweatpants by the unemployed was purely for looks, sweatpants provide an functionality that is just unmatched by other garments. Granted, during the summer months, and for those a bit more fashion forward, pajama pants or mesh basketball shorts may be substituted. The messenger might change, but the message is still the same; "My scrotum is covered up, are you happy now?!"

The Internet - Multitasking may seem like something for only those who are employed, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Us unemployed folk appreciate the ability to do many things at once, and embrace the tools that allow us to do so. The Internet, which was invented by then-Vice President Al Gore, is useful in allowing the unemployed person to appear as if they're working, while they are really just using IMDB to find a connection between Charlie Chaplain and Kevin Bacon (trust me, I'll find it!). One can be on Facebook, listed as "online", and when someone chats them up, the quick reply is "job searching". But anyone who's unemployed, sipping their Folgers, wearing soft plaid bottoms, knows exactly what's going on.


So, there you have it. Granted, this guide is just a sample, a tip of the iceberg. New innovations in "funemployment" are being made all the time. There are breakthroughs in areas such as "Laughing Through Tears of Self-Loathing While Watching 'Loco y Gordo' on Univision" or "More Efficiently Fishing the Chunks of Cookie Dough Out of Ice Cream". But to go into details would be boring. After all, you've got work to do, don't you?

Perhaps It's the Idea of My Desk

As a quasi-academic, I feel that it's my duty to have a desk. This desk has all the necessary qualities that the desk of an academic ought to have; it's old, it's heavy, it's worn. Perhaps this desk is a bit, shall I say, underutilized. I have my computer on it (when it's not being used). There are a few books on it (academic books, which I read while not at the desk), and there are various pens and utensils (all legal and registered, I assure you) scattered about the work surface. But perhaps the most unique property that my desk possesses is the black hole that can be found somewhere above the drawers and below the envelope-sized compartments. There lies a black hole whose force is so great that it sucks all productivity and work ethic out of whoever sits near it. I cannot locate, therefore I cannot eliminate the source of said hole. Thus all of my ambition and plans disappears once I take my place at the swivelly chair in front of said desk.

And yet, each and every day, I take a seat at the desk. I place a mug of coffee next to the computer, I open up my laptop computer, and I start.....not doing work! It's that simple. I do all of things that one does when preparing to do work, but I then commence to do no work whatsoever. I cannot tell you what I do, for it eludes even me. At the time, it seems satisfying and productive. I appear busy and immersed, because I am! But my immersion is into something entirely counterproductive. It is as if I cleared several hours of my schedule in order to obliterate and reverse past hours of productivity. Nietzsche once wrote (roughly) "and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you". Such is true of my desk. But if the story of science has taught me one thing, it's that every great force that is granted a seat of absolute, unchanging power and authority, is eventually shown to hold only relative power. The atom was unseated by quarks, leptons, and so on. The speed of light proved to be not quite the fastest thing out there. Can my desk's seemingly unrelenting reign of productivity consumption be defeated by another, heretofore unknown force? I would never dare posit any certainty in my reply (I have learned enough to know better, and known enough to learn better, for that matter). But I shall say it is likely. It is likely that my desk's power can be bested by some other force, perhaps one that, like most newly discovered scientific powerhouse entities, has been here all along. I like to call that theoretical force "my resolve". An equation proving its existence will follow, watch the academic journals.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Hit Back!

I don't want to pigeon-hole myself as the guy who's always uncovering secret conflicts about which the public has been misled or excluded from the know, but this opportunity was too important to pass up. You see, for years--nay decades--we've been at war with the Moon. In fact, a few days ago, we celebrated the 40th anniversary of our first attack on lunar soil (well, it's not technically soil, but I'll get to that later). While the major news networks would have you believe that our landing on the moon was a mere "accomplishment" of a "scientific nature", the facts tell another story.

Since man first took to the skies, in the early 1900s, there has been much ado about those skies, and their boundaries. The Wright brothers, who first successfully flew a manned mission to the skies, had a long-standing feud with the Moon, which had been mostly one-sided. However, once the two brothers backed their threats with a flying vehicle, the Moon had to take the men more seriously. Lunar foreign policy was more liberal than that of Earth, so the idea of an attack was last on the agenda. The U.S., however, was more hawkish in its approach as the century entered its halfway point. In 1958 NACA was dissolved as the governmental body governing the exploration of the skies. In a move to unequivocally threatening the Moon, the United States created NASA, a much more warlike entity by its nature, with the stated purpose of putting men in space.

This period of human history, aptly named "The Space Race", was fueled by attempts by the United States and the Soviet Union to push farther into space. As the U.S. was still following the Wright Brothers' plan to overthrow the Moon, their policy was more cautious, and took a slower approach. But with the U.S.S.R's launch of Sputnik I, the U.S. became fearful that the Soviets were trying to actively recruit the moon's help in a two-front war against the U.S. In a memo to then President Dwight D. Eisenhower, Secretary of Defense Thomas Gates said:

Given the recent Soviet activity in space travel, more aggressive moves must be made to initiate policy goals regarding the Moon. It is crucial that we mount a preemptive attack on the Moon within the decade, in an effort to stop an attack from a Lunar-Soviet Alliance.

President Kennedy, taking this advice seriously, even said in his now famous "Moon Speech";

We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

I don't expect everyone to pick up on the coded message contained in Kennedy's rhetoric, especially not if you are watching footage of it, as his charm overpowers even the most discerning of ears. But allow me to explain. When Kennedy says "the other things", he is referring to inter-celestial-body war. Sure, we're going to go to the moon, but we're also going to do "the other things", like mount an offensive and establish a moon base, thus keeping the moon in check and the Soviets thinking that the U.S. now has an alliance with the moon.

I don't want to say that landing on the moon in 1969 ended the Cold War by tricking the Soviets into thinking that the Moon had chosen to ally itself with us, I'll leave that to the experts. I also would never dare claim that one of the best kept secrets of astronomy is that the moon is made of cheese, but a different kind of non-cow's milk cheese. But I will say this. On the day of the moon landing's anniversary, I celebrated in a way that was symbolic and appropriate; I purchased a block of aged cheddar cheese and ate it--while reading the Communist Manifesto. Take that, Khrushchev!

Ulanacks: Supercharge Your Vocab!

Blogs are more educational than most people think. Sure, you can read the contents and maybe learn some things in the form of sentences and paragraphs. But then again, all that stuff is outdated, we're living in a soundbite world, we don't have time for full sentences! Twitter has taught us that if you can't say it in 140 characters or less, it's not worth saying. But with only a few words to use, you've got to be wise with how you say what you're thinking. But you also need to demonstrate that you're an innovator and on the cutting edge of words, you know vocabulation! Luckily, if you try to leave a comment on a blog, it will, I presume as a Public Service agreement with the owners of the Internet, provide you with a new word to go forth and use. Unfortunately, these words are not supplied with corresponding definitions, so that you may use them correctly. But fear not, readers, for I have used my investigative shovel and dug up the meanings to some of my favorite blog-comment-supplied vocabulary words.

adami- A dish usually consisting of soybean pods without the beans.

pallike- The quality of being similar to a friend or "pal", but not quite as familiar. See also "palish".

bulasten- A present perfect verb meaning "making loud noises" or "firing a firearm quickly or prolifically". See also "blasting".

extro- An amount slightly more than one can handle in any given context. E.g. "I'd like a sandwich with extro jalapenos, enough to make my mouth explode."

Quisphom- A small, agrarian village in Tolkien's Middle-Earth.

Wirmo - The "boss" who opposes Mario at the end of the first level of Bizarro Super Mario Brothers 2 (which is what the people on Earth 2 play).

Dieses- A cognate of the German article translatable to "the" in English, combined with the being verb "is" for more colloquial usage. E.g: "Dieses red ones!" [see also doses]

cotate- To rotate in tandem, as in, with a teammate.

propun- The position of being in favor of the practice of wordplay.

plogyme- An antiquated farm implement used for tilling fields and/or assisting in child birth.

cohum- Substitutable for "so-so".

anting- The practice of eating large amounts of insects via sucking them through a straw.

Now, go forth, and use the power of words, being ever more verbose! Also, make sure that when you leave a comment on my humble blog, and it asks you to type the word above in the space provided, you go on to use the word given to you. And if you don't know the meaning of the word, just ask me. It's what I'm here for.

The Inside Scoop: Hot Hot Heat!

Ladies and Gentleman, I like to think of this blog as my megaphone straight into the life-advice center of your brain. I try to tell you, the blog audience (www.audience.com), things that are important to know. But not all of the golden nuggets of advice that I mine for you are from the cave of my own mind. Nay, some of these things are hot-off-the-press fresh from my own experience. Today's advice is just such a fresh slice from my mind-meat (sounds just dirty enough to get you interested, no?).

I recently moved in with a lady, more importantly, a lady who is not my mother. Furthermore, this lady is under the impression that I am, for some reason or another, attractive and charming (swear to me you won't tell her the truth). So far, for the past week, things have been great. I am allowed out of my cage for 2-3 hours at a time, I have a corner to "do my business" and toys to chew on. But recently, I noticed that deep within the depths of our walk-in closet, there is....another door!!! Now, naturally, having seen a certain film a few years ago, I theorized that perhaps this was a portal allowing me to experience life as John Malkovich. Needless to say, I was cautious, but curious nonetheless.

I decided to appease my curiosity and go exploring. After all, I lived here now, this was my door to explore as well, right?! So, I gathered some inspiration. I watched Geraldo Rivera's investigative uncovering of Al Capone's vault, I popped in an episode of Dora the Explorer, I watched the 1985 film "Explorers" (which may or may not be on a VHS tape in my parents' home). I packed what I would need to survive; a sandwich, some fruit snacks, vitamin tablets, a copy of Where the Wild Things Are, a flashlight, and a mini tape recorder. I then cautiously, but with all the courage I could muster, opened the foreboding door.

It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the light difference, but when they did, I found....a hot water heater. What follows is my interview with the heater, as transcribed from my tape recorder:

Mikeosaurus: Sir, could you tell me just what exactly it is that you do here, in my apartment?

Hot Water Heater: *bubble bubble* *whrrrrrrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: Hmm, well, why do you hide out in a room in the closet, and not behind a door with vents on it, near the living room, like in other apartments?

Hot Water Heater: *wooosh* *bubble bubble*

Mikeosaurus: Yeah, I can understand that, being a minor"deep web" celebrity myself, I do relish my privacy sometimes. But why the need for a door just like the ones leading to my closet, or the bedroom, or the bathroom, even? Isn't that a bit misleading?

Hot Water Heater: *ka-klunk* *b-b-b-b-brrrrrrrr-click*

Mikeosaurus: I assure you I didn't intend to offend you, I'm just trying to get down to brass tacks here.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble*

Mikeosaurs: No, brass tacks t-a-c-k-s, as in; things you put in a corkboard, not legislation to gain money from big band era trumpeters. I understand the confusion, though. Well, I guess I've learned all that I can from you, you seem to be recycling the same rhetoric at this point.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble* *whrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: ...yeah, like I said. Anyway, it's been a joy, I assure you, but I've got to run, "Empty Nest" is on TVLand.

So, there you have it! Deep from the cavernous insides of my apartment, the answers to life's burning questions have burst forth!

[editor's note: I did eat the sandwich and the fruit snacks. The vitamins were yucky, so I threw them away, and "Where the Wild things Are" proved to dense and involved to be the light reading for which I had hoped.]

World, Give Me Your CO2!!!!!

Every once in a while, one of my passions intersects with a philanthropic enterprise, the scale of which stands to bring the world back from the brink of destruction. Now, admittedly, this has not happened many times, or maybe so far at all. However, recently, as my lady and I were driving back from 7-11's Free Slurpee Day (the magical day when you can shoplift from a convenience store and everyone's super-okay with it), this intersection happened on my cerebral highway.

You see, I've always wanted to save the world. I used to want to be Batman, and in doing so, would obviously be able to save the world by being one of the leading members of the JLA (the Justice League of America, need I spell everything out for you?). But as I grew up, I came to the realization that many people approaching adulthood do: Bizarro and Darkseid are not real threats to the planet Earth. But really, though I am 6'5", 210, and college-educated (I'll let that sink in, MacArthur Genius Grant Board of Trustees), not even I could defeat such massively powerful villains. However, there is a real entity threatening our planet. It is not other-worldly, it is not a powerful and malevolent super-being. Nay, that which threatens our earthly existence is less than a breath away.

To catch everyone up, there is this phenomenon (read: thing) happening to our planet called "Global Warming". In this "warming", the Earth's temperature is increasing, weather conditions are getting more violent and unpredictable, and Polar Bears' habitats are getting increasingly smaller. Now, my original hope was that the simplest explanation of such trends would be the right one, and this was the obvious work of a super-advanced "weather ray" constructed by Dr. Strange (Hugo Strange, of the DC Universe, not to be confused with Dr. Strange of the Marvel Universe, who was technically a sort of "good guy"). Sadly, I was mistaken, and thus found that the real culprit was of another nature. Folks, I'm talking about CO2, Carbon Dioxide, "the Big Fizz". But how can we fight against, or even hope to contain a threat so ever-present? How can we do anything about a dangerous gas that comes out of our mouth every time we breathe? Fear not, people, I have the answer.

Lately, I've developed a love for carbonated refreshments. I love soda. I love seltzer water, mineral water, club soda, hell, if it's sparkling, I'm drinking it. I even tried Tonic Water (it's bad, really bad, you heard it here first, thank me later). When it comes down to it, I want my beverages carbonated. The more fizz, the better it is (that rhymed on purpose, by the way). Let me tell you; lately, I've been downing bubbly beverages like they're going out of style. There's just something so joyful about drinking down liquid with tangy bubbles in it! By now, you should be on to what I'm suggesting. That's right, world, give me your CO2!! I will take one for the team. I will drink down the world's problems, one 20oz bottle at a time. Consider me your carbon dioxide receptacle, the sweeping broom to erase your carbon footprint. I've been doing more than my part for quite some time now. In fact, almost every beverage I enjoy in a day is carbonated. If I could find a way to siphon deadly CO2 out of the air and into my morning coffee, I would. Unfortunately, the gas cannot dissolve into hot liquids, which is why hot soda goes flat so easily (thanks, Bill Nye!). My point is, I may not help out at the homeless shelter, I may drive a car, spewing exhaust fumes into the air, sure, I may even special order hair spray with CFCs from foreign countries in which there is no ban on them like there is here. But I am doing something, world! I am taking our Ozone Layer's biggest threat and depositing it in my gullet. But you know what? I am loving every last drop of it. Drink up, to saving the world!

The Ontologist Is In

Whatever you do, wherever you live, whether you use Internet Explorer or Firefox (sidenote: remember Netscape?), there's one thing that you're doing for certain; existing. But what does that entail? Please, don't try to answer this kind of question on your own, that's why I'm here. You see, I am what's called an Ontologist. It's pronounced in a very similar way to Oncologist, and I'll gladly let people assume that I work to cure cancer, no problem. But while cancer may not be my game, I can help you with any trope-related question.

Let me break it down for you. Ontology is the study of what is. No, that's not an error of omission, it is correct. You might wonder why I didn't say "Ontology is the study of what exists", and to that I would respond by stressing the importance and wide, all-inclusive scope of what I do. You see, there are things (stay with me), and most of these things exist. Some of these things, however, do not exist. But some existants which exist are not things, but moreso abstract entities (or perhaps an entity is really a thing, in which case "things" would be something other than things, but NOT nothing). There are also groups of things, which may or may not be arbitrary, and therefore not really entities, and may or may not exist. As an Ontologist, it is my job to study these things (and non-things), and tell people about what is, and what isn't.

So, why does this make my job better than any other job? Glad you asked, let's examine:

Usually, in any given discipline or specialty, the practitioner gains knowledge of one particular area, a set of things, if you will. As an Ontologist, I study all sets of things. Hell, I can even tell you about sets that don't have things in them! My point here is that whereas most specialists have to know only information about certain kinds of things, I have to know information about all kinds of things. I am even responsible for explaining the existential status of information itself! I think at this point you get my drift.

But back to my original point; I know some stuff about things. I also know a thing or two about stuff. I have abstract knowledge about particulars and particular know-how when it comes to abstract objects. I deal in actual possibilities, possible actualities, necessary actualities, and necessary possibilities. This is to say, you can trust me with things (and stuff that isn't a thing). I know that sometimes you'll ask yourself if something's real, or if something is really a thing. That is why I'm here. Your nose; a thing. The moon; a thing. A unicorn; a possibly non-existent, possibly possible, non-actual, but nonetheless a thing. Let's say you want to know how many angels can fit on the end of a pin. Depending on what gauge it is, usually no less than the amount of unicorns presently living on Earth's non-existent second moon. Bam! Problem solved!

All I'm saying is consider me the Dear Abby of Ontological inquiries. I am hereby announcing my services as available to you, my loving public. I am the Web's official Ontologist, ready to let you know what's real, what's not, and what may or may not be a Chimera.

The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide: How to Be a Gentleman

Folks, this blog is a lot of things. It's a website, it's a journal, it's an abstract entity, possibly identical to 1s and 0s in a server, possibly an irreducible abstract entity floating on the ephemera like a surfer on the waves of the ocean (whoooooa, maaaaan!). But more than anything, it's a place to get educated. Sure, there might be concerns of truthfulness, and I'll grant you that they may be valid. But I ask you this; since when does something need to be true in order for you to learn it? I know many things about the Loch Ness Monster and also about Oprah Winfrey, but we know that it's unlikely that either of those mythical beasts exist! So, stop worrying about truth functions, and start worrying about dinner functions, as I present The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide to Being a Gentleman.

1) Adopt a Sobriquet
This Step is crucial. Having a normal name like "George" or "James" is not enough. One must have an esteemed nickname that gives people the impression of importance, then the importance itself will follow. So, if your name is Ben, for instance, a good sobriquet would be something like Ben the Devourer of Souls, or something along those lines. You get the idea.

2) Make an Entrance
As a gentleman, you have to be memorable, and part of being memorable, if not most of it, is making an entrance. There are a wide range of things you can do to make an effective entrance, so be imaginative, but be classy! Any expensive tools or special effects that you can incorporate, all the better! An example might be using smokebombs and flashbangs to create a loud and smoky atmosphere to cut through with, oh I don't know....your giant 12th century Cornish broadsword, for instance. There's nothing that says "you might want to look at me as I enter, I'm kind of important" quite like disorientating and confusing (while possibly deafening) the rest of the party. Other useful tools that can be mixed in and out of your routine include, but are not limited to: a cape (or cowl, if you so choose, but they're often reserved for yacht parties, as opposed to normal swanky indoor affairs), a gold crown complete with rare gemstones, a scepter, being carried in by muscular servants, lighting, a Mongol horde, etc.

3) Create Interest
This step is vital. You're not really a distinguished Gentleman unless people really want to talk to you and/or fondle you oh so gently. In order to make this happen, you're going to need to create interest in yourself. This is not the same as striking up a conversation, nay--you're going to need to be the conversation. And if your entrance was not enough to do this, have some "personal effects" to create you-centered conversation. Take out the money that you minted yourself, with a picture of you on it! Immediately lay claim to the bar as a peripheral fiefdom of your empire. Surely, at least the noblemen already laying claim to the snack table will have something to say to you then!

4) Pronunciate!
Okay, you might have some people talking to you, but you'll quickly lose them if you don't follow a vital rule of gentlemanliness; pronunciate! There's a certain way that gentleman speak, and you will be the first one labelled as a cad if you don't follow it. For instance, "labour", "colour", and "centre" are words you'll want to utilize. This is especially important when speaking, as a true gentleman will not read your writings himself, his loyal man-servant will do that, so if you misspell, the gentleman will be none the wiser. But a carefully trained ear can surely pick up the difference between "razor" and "razour".

5) Play it as it Lies.
This should be pretty self explanatory. Also, replace your divots.

6) Never Ask a Woman's Age or Weight
It's impolite to ask a lady how much she weighs or how old she is. However, if either topic comes up in conversation, it is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to guess a woman's age or weight. In fact, if you do manage to guess either one or both, rules of etiquette demand that she give you a prize.....or intercourse (the rules are dated, but still generally followed).

7) Know When to Leave
A true gentleman will not wait until the party is winding down to leave. In fact, a true gentleman will not even wait until the conversation dies down to leave. To make sure that you're leaving at the top of the night, leave when the conversation is just getting good. Furthermore, leave in the middle of someone's sentence. Then not only will you effectively "go out on top", but you'll also be certain to leave a lasting impression.
Hint: Utilize smoke bombs or a trap door to leave can make your entrance even more abrupt and memorable. If a trap door is utilized, make sure to use a cushion below it. Nothing is more embarrassing than making a grand exit, only to shatter your ankle, thus giving away the location of the secret underground tunnel that you prepared just for this party.

This is not all there is to being a gentleman, but it is what I would call a crash course. It should get you acquainted with all of the basics of Gentlemanliness. A quick tip on dress. When wearing a tie to an event, the wider the tie knot and the thicker the tie, the better. It's nice to speak well of a party, but every gentleman knows that these events are really just a place to compare knot width. Go forth!

Grown-up Dreams

When I was a kid, my parents always told me to follow my dreams. It wasn't until I gathered a hundred chickens and strolled naked with them into gym class one day, that my parents realized that my interpretation of their advice was too literal. These days, I stick to the dreams that don't involve nudity (though, a few of those actually came true). You could say I'm more practical, more grown up, more humuncular. You can say that last thing, but you'd be borderline nonsensical.
After all, I'm nothing like a little "man inside a man", in most ways.
Nevertheless, these days, I am getting used to the fact that my dreams must be adjusted a bit to fit my circumstances. For instance; whereas, when I was a child, I had wanted to be a Ghostbuster, I will now have to settle for being a Ghostbuster's assistant. It's more practical, less training is required, and the risk is notably lower. Also, whereas I used to want to be Rich, I will now settle for being Rick, Dick, or any derivative thereof. You get the idea.

The point is, times change, and as they do, so must our dreams. We used to be encouraged to reach for the stars, but now, just flying at a cruising altitude through the cloud cover will have to do. Or will it? Do I, do WE have to downsize our dreams just because we're inching closer to talking seriously about our prostates (ladies, I know you do it too)? Perhaps there is a compromise that we can flesh out with Father Time. Perhaps we can tinker with the copy machine by day, and tweak the time machine by night. You can add a screened-in patio AND a portal to Dino-land in your house! This isn't nearly as hard as people think. we adults are always using our immaginations, it just usually involves breasts or a Swiss Bank account. If only we could re-allocate our dream energy...

Greeeeeeeeeeg!?!

Today, I was talking with my brother when we were rudely interrupted by his phone. Sure, it played a fun ringtone and I danced a little jig until he picked it up, but that's not the point. The point is, he never really gets phone calls, and neither do I--we were excited. He flipped open the phone (he has what's called a "flip-phone", it's truly a sight to see) and proceeded to greet the as-yet anonymous caller on the other end. The caller requested the conversation of one "Greg". Now, in doing so, he didn't so much ask if Greg was there, as much as he assumed that my brother was Greg and that he was ready to have a good old talk.

Folks, my brother's name is not Greg. It actually only shares one letter with the name "Greg", but that's a vowel, which really only counts for half a letter. My brother had to inform this man on the other line that he is not Greg, as he has not been for the past month or so. You see, apparently, my brother has been receiving calls for Greg for a few weeks now. During that time, he has not come any closer to being Greg.

Sad as this situation is for my brother, it must be even sadder for Greg. There seems to be a lot of stuff that Greg is missing these days. This does not sit well with me. Perhaps I should explain. The man on the other line, in presuming that my brother was Greg, became really excited at the prospect of talking to Greg, altering the tone of his voice with an elongated short "e" sound as follows: "is this Greeeeeeeeeg?". One does not do that unless they're ready for some partying or a general good time. This has led me to give this Greg the nickname "Good-Time Greg", to distinguish him from other Gregs (Lugagnis, Maddux, Television's husband to Dharma, etc.).

My point is this: Good-Time Greg is missing out on some good times. My brother is getting what would be Greg's good-time calls, and he's inadvertently turning the good-time meter down a few notches when he informs the good-time seekers that he's not Greg. So my question is this: Greg, where are you? Furthermore, wherever you are, are you feeling something missing? Is there a little less pep in your step? If so, I can bet I know why. Your "in need of a good time" friends are unable to reach out and touch you, so to speak. So please, Greg, Gregster, Greg-a-rama, Greg-a-leg-a-ding-dong, Daddy Long-Gregs, Greggers-can't-be-choosers, Green Gregs and Ham, or whatever other nicknames you use....read this blog, and call your friends. They are looking for you. They miss you. The good times just aren't as good without you.

Brand New Teen Monster Erotica

There seems to be a new trend in the world of books and film. Okay, there are actually two trends. The first is the new explosion of films and books based on the following formula: occult creature + semi-erotic teen romance = franchised genre success. The second trend is based on another, slightly more complicated formula: erotic teen movie about occult creatures - (filmstock + script format) + new title similar to film title = new successful teen book series.

In following with the aforementioned formulae, I would like to propose a new franchise upon which to build mounds of books and quickly-thrown-together films. The idea will utilize the unfairly overlooked occult creature created by the legendary Dr. Victor Frankenstein. I'm not quite sure of a title at this point, but as the trend seems to dictate that it be related to an aspect of the creature's mythos, I'm thinking maybe "Fire, Bad!" The plot would go something like this:

Dr. Frankenstein moves to a small Midwestern town with his "son", whom he assembled from body parts of deceased people and brought to life using electricity. The young man attends the local high school, where he is a sort of outcast, but since his origin is secret, everyone assumes it is because he's the only Jewish kid in the school. The attractive young girl, Bonita, finds herself attracted to the strange, baritone-voiced young man. The two meet when Bonita is being harassed by a few of the football players. Hearing the commotion, young "Frank" approaches the culprits and rips their arms off. Bonita, impressed and more curious, follows Frank around, knowing that something is different about him, very different. She finally corners him and asks if he would like to go to a party, and he reluctantly obliges. Once at the party, the sight of the bonfire that the students have created causes young Frank to inexplicably go crazy and tear apart the host's house.

Bonita confronts him the next day, and lists the curious traits that have confirmed her suspicions:

Bonita: You're skin is green and rough, you have bolts in your neck, you're inexplicably scared of fire...
Frank: Say it...
Bonita: Frankenstein's Monster!

The forbidden love just flows from there, folks. Bonita falls madly for Frank, but there are so many hurdles. He's dead and has the intelligence of a 6 year-old child, her parents, being slightly anti-Semitic, disapprove of Bonita being with a Jewish boy (but they'd be more angry if they found out that he was an amalgam of dead people). Frank is afraid that he'll rip the young girl's arms off if he gets too excited, and the townsfolk have started getting suddenly angry and showing up at the Frankenstein residence with pitchforks and torches. It's a can't miss summer blockbuster. Girls, drag your boyfriends to the theater!

Note: This post is a special dedication to my girl, who would appreciate the light Semitic humor, and the obvious sarcastic pokes at the main "dialogue" in a certain famous vampire movie (no, not Blackula, but close!).

Tips to Survive the Machine Uprising

Sometimes people forget things. That's fine, I understand, they're only human (and that, folks, is called a tautology). But I'll tell you who isn't human; cyborgs. Picture this: you're out with your girlfriend, your best girl, your special lady. You're at a nice restaurant, the champagne is flowing, the romance is...flowing, you look in her eyes and tell her you love her deeply and truly. She looks at you blankly, with empty eyes, and says; "have you seen John Connor?" That's right, you almost married a cyborg. But now there's no getting out of the situation. If you don't know where John Connor is, you're of no use to her, so you're dead. If you do know where John Connor is, she'll just torture you until you tell her, then kill you. Either way, being intimately connected with a cyborg ends in death.

Now, to the untrained blog reader, that may have seemed like a digression, but what I am trying to relay to you, fair readers, is that despite the existence of scenes like the one described above, and in countless Terminator films, people seem to have turned a blind-eye to the cyborg threat. The literature on cyborgs is vast and detailed. Man can make a robot, and the robot can make things easier, and allow us to "multitask" and whatnot, but it always ends in the machines turning against us. Just look at the examples. Was the cyborg Superman good? No, he was evil and had to be killed. iRobot? Just ask Will Smith about his little false murder charges. The Robocoup? Every year, my mother attempts to blend several things with it for a holiday feast, and every year it rebels more violently. I could go on, but we have more ground to cover.

I see at as an obligation of mine to warn you about signs that someone close to you is a cyborg, or at the very least, in league with the cyborgs. If anyone close to you exhibits these signs, there is a very real chance that they are a machine (or part machine) and thus pose a threat to the human way of life. If you confront them with your knowledge of their mechanistic nature, they may try to strike a deal with you, in exchange for some future position of privilege in their coming empire. Beware! There is no such position, and you will either be a slave or be double-crossed. Here are some telltale signs to keep in mind:

1) The person in question talks a lot about "efficiency", "tuning things up", or "streamlining". This is merely thinly-veiled machine talk for commencing the takeover. It is possible that these phrases merely point to the person being in management, but it is best to take caution anyway. Though managers are, in fact, human, they will surely be the first to trade sides to offer their skills and catchphrases to the cyborgs.

2) The person in question inquires frequently about the whereabouts of John Connor. As I explained in the introduction, this is a clear sign, and should produce no hesitation in you, should you hear it.

3) The person in question can imitate any human voice once they've heard it. This most definitely implicates such famous entertainers as Richard Little, Frank Caliendo, and Darrell Hammond. As they say, if you want to make an omlette, you've gotta break some eggs!

4) The person in question is not harmed or affected by bullets. This should not be the first criteria used to judge whether or not someone you know is a cyborg, but it is by far the most effective and decisive. The less you spend on their Christmas gifts, the earlier you can utilize this method for judging their alleigance.

5) The person in question never appears to be thirsty, but when you see them drink, it is usually some kind of oil or petroleum byproduct. Be careful, as this could merely indicate that the person has accumulated more than 75,000 miles.

Now, you may be wondering about persons with robotic/mechanic limbs. Are they to be trusted? Can we allow them to know of our weak points? No. They are liabilities, and will surely turn to the machine side at the first opportunity. Little do they know, they will be viewed by the machines as second-class citizens and be forced to work as slaves in the human soul mines (from where the cyborgs will gain their fuel and faux "vital essences").

I hear you asking; Mike, what about our computers? Well, I'm happy to report that PCs are okay, as they have been programmed with Windows, which will crash in the event that something important rides on them having to work correctly. Macs, which have been specifically tailored to gaining human trust and alleigance, will be the first to turn against their human users.

Arm yoursleves, keep your ears to the grindstone. Knowledge is power!

Did You Know?! - S.O.M.B.Wi.S presents: Wikistorical "facts"

History is a tricky subject. If you want to really get a good knowledge of history, you have to know facts. But, as with most other areas of study, nobody really wants to study to know facts, especially when it's easier just to make them up! Thus, I have created the ultimate guide to acquiring historical knowledge without the bother of having to learn them. I call it Wikistoricism, from the Latin roots "wiki" which means "to fabricate with false authority" and "storistia" which means "stuff that may or may not have happened".

Step 1: Assert your authority!

Folks, this is then internet--which means that you can do many things that would either get you beaten up or severely reprimanded in the real world. So take advantage of this fact. The principle of "act as if" is of most use in asserting false authority. Act as if you're the expert on nuclear fusion. After all, you've been dealing with atoms and subatomic particles for your whole life! Hell, you're practically made of atoms! It's true, look it up, smarty! With that small factual basis, you can use the power of inference to build up to asserting something grandiose. Try it on your next Facebook update or Twat it on your Twiiter and watch the Twits who follow your Twuts be amazed!

Step 2: Plant the Seed of Doubt.

So you've asserted your authority and people will now listen to what you have to say. Now what? Well, it's time to widen the knowledge gap between you and those to whom you're making proclamations. This is done by planting the seed of doubt. Make them feel less knowledgeable about something by telling them something they didn't know. Example: tell a med student that vitamin C has been shown to cause extra nipple growth in rhesus monkeys. It may not be true, but it's still something that he/she didn't know! And won't they feel bad that they didn't know something whose subject they're studying in school?!

Step 3: The Crucial Question: Did You Know?....

With your "authority" asserted and your seeds of doubt carefully planted, it's time to razzle-dazzle 'em (I assure you, as a straight, twenty-something male, I totally didn't see Chicago, and definitely cannot sing that song and do the accompanying tap dance number. wink, wink) . You might think that it's time to just freeball it and throw all sorts of B.S., citing the authority of your B.A., but wait! Before you go plumbing the depths of your bullshiticus gland (which is totally a real gland, because spellcheck didn't underline it!) for scraps to throw to the peons, you need to set yourself up properly. Standard operating procedure is to preface any wikistorical fact by asking, casually; "did you know...". This does a few things. First, it reasserts your already stated authority by implying that you do, in fact, know what you're about to tell the person in quesiton. Secondly, you are basically telling this person that you assume they aren't in the know on this particular subject, whereas you are.

Step 4: Bring it Home

Now, dear friends, it's time to spin the web of falsifications. Be careful, you can still muck it up at this point! Just because you've got them eating out of your hands, doesn't mean they won't bite those hands if they don't like what you're feeding them. Still, because this is obviously part of a wager with yourself as to how absurd a ruse you can get someone to fall for, aim sky high! The trick here is to make the first part of what you say plausible to the point of being borderline true. This is called the old bait and bait some more. Now it's time to go for the explosion of absurdity. Claim that Al Capone and Babe Ruth were actually brothers, make six degrees of connection from Kevin Bacon to the Loch Ness Monster, inform your friends that the Sears Tower is actually the Seers Tower, and was built by the Illuminati as an observatory for their seers to watch over the midwest! The world is your oyster!

With these 4 steps, you can create a fog of lies so dense, you just might be recruited by Karl Rove. But remember, with great power comes great responsibility, Uncle Ben said that, before he handed over his secret rice recipe to his nephew, Spider-Man.

What Do You Telephone? (And Other Word Perversions)

So, anyone who hangs out with me is acquainted with a few facts; 1) I am not, in fact, a dinosaur (dinosaurs never evolved the ability to blog, which is probably why they went extinct) 2) I like to play with words. Now, by "play with words" I mean that I like to play with both the spelling of words and the sounds that they make. I'm partial to the English language, but I can make a few Spanish puns. But when I do this, when I spin my punnery, I am always bombarded by groans of some sort of (I assume feigned) disapproval and/or annoyance. In some cases, my better half (read: "ladyfriend" or "witchay woman") will pause, purse her lips and ask "really? seriously?". I assure you she can sound out all of those letters with her lips pursed. It's amazing, you should see her drink through 10 crazy straws and recite poetry at the same time.

My point here is that there is just soooooo much fun that you can have with words, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded by this fact. Perhaps it's just this crazy American English that I am lucky enough to have as my native tongue, but I have a feeling that languages with umlauts and slashes through their o's can probably have even more fun.

Speaking of witch, warlock. <----- See what I mean?!

I'd like to see a movie with Neil Young and Gary Oldman, so the poster could read "Young Oldman".

I think that the last thing that Garfield wanted to do was Peyote. <---- Right?!!

Do you think that that the U.S. Mint still makes cents? Is it a pepper mint or spearmint?

I only like to make turns on red, so they're alright. (sound it out, kids)

Think I've got issues? Probably, but not nearly as many as the owner of a magazine stand.

Light switches of the world, do I turn you on?

Perhaps I'm being a bit too zealous here. Let's get leisurely.
Everyone's always saying things like "I only drink on days that end in 'y'." I, on the other hand, only drink on days that end in "what". I think that if that did really happen, that'd be reason enough to drink. Don't you?

I should probably heed the advice that my mother once gave me:
Quit while you're ahead. Keep going if you're still afoot.

I red an erotic story and nearly blue my load! (Orange you glad you read that? Color me surprised!)

Now, by this point, dear readers (all 2 or so of you), you might be about at the tipping point (hint: NOT the point at which you decide to give the waiter a little extra). But I assure you, one day you will thank me for thinking of these things--it means that you don't have to. You're welcome. Now, let's bring it back to the beginning to what I asked you in my subject line.

Answer: The same thing that you television. (Waka waka!)

You Might be a White Guy

Let's face it, people; racial humor is HILARIOUS!!! Look at the evidence: Carlos Mencia, The Kings of Comedy, the PGA tour! So, in following with this, I'd like to make some of my own comedically broad, underinformed racial remarks. However, since I prefer to be non-offensive in my comical approach, I'll only make jokes about my ethicity/demographic. Thus, I give you "You might be a white guy if..."

- If you were poor when you graduated high school, so you had to settle for a state university, you might be a white guy.

- If you like beer, but make snippy comments when it's not micro-brewed, you might be a white guy.

- If you can't decide between the AE screenprint shirt that says "Well Hung Decorators" and "Chow Fun Chinese Restaurant", you might be a white guy.

- If you get really excited when "Livin' on a Prayer" comes on the radio (and bonus: you know all the words), you might be a white guy.

- If your girlfriend has to repeatedly ask you to stop addressing her as "dude", you might be a white guy.

- If you insist that there is a difference between rap and hip-hop (and subsequently claim that what you listen to is hip-hop), you might be a white guy. Also, you might be KRS-ONE.

- If you find yourself freely using the word Ghetto to explain a location or as an adjective to describe something of poor quality to a friend, you might be a white guy.

- If you pride yourself on being "old school", and let everyone know it, you might be a white guy.

- If the word "distressed" was used by the manufacturer to describe an article of clothing that you purchased, you might be a white guy.

- If you claim that you are only good at bags when you're drunk, you might be a white guy.

- If your main "move" at a club involves your arms being over your head, you might be a white guy.

A Brief Guide to Sworkin'

Folks, I don't know how many of you can sympathize with this situation, but I've got this thing - you may have heard people talk about it - called a "job". Now, at this "job", they have me do this thing called "work". This term is very vague and I am still confused, after about 10 years of supposedly doing it, as to what it entails. But, being the ingenious guy that I am, I decided that I'd one-up my supervisors and tweak this "work" notion so as to make it a bit more efficient (and by efficient, I mean "more conducive to surfing the interweb and reading"). Thus, I have invented a newer form of this concept, which I call "Sworking". Sworking is like a hybrid form of Slacking and Working. It's really just an "update" on the old working concept, Work2.o, if you will. And if my market research and focus grouping has taught me anything, it's that updates and hybrids are in, in, IN!!!

So, with this new concept in tow, her is the official S.O.M.B.Wi.S guide to sworkin'!

Preliminaries

First up, in order to do something this serious properly, you'll need to prepare. Like fighting in a duel, you must prepare mentally for the task at hand. Preparation for Sworking should consist mainly of sleeping. Any sleep that you can get past noon will only give you an advantage. Before you head off to "swork", get a good pre-swork meal in your stomach. This should consist of coffee (if it's hot, a Red Bull will do) and a Boston Creme (Kreme, if you're at Dunkin' Donuts) donut. Basically anything baked or fried that is filled with another type of thing is what you're going to want to look for; density is important.

Secondly, you'll need some tools to aid you in avoiding work. Once you're actually at work, and there are worky things to do all around you, it becomes a challenge to swork properly. It is much like that level in the Nintendo game "The Karate Kid", where a huge metal pendulum is swinging at you and you have to dodge it. So, that analogy being made, I suggest a tool like a book or the internet (if you have it on your phone, even better--this way you can quickly look as if you're working if someone were to enter your general area.) The internet is truly the best place to dispose of that extra work ethic you happen to have, and since work ethic is biodegradable, you don't have to worry about your carbon footprint!

Get to Sworkin'!

Once you have the tools and the right environment, you merely have to find a comfortable leaning position and start to get paid for doing very little. Now, I don't want people reading this to get the wrong impression. Sworking is NOT about not doing any work--that would be slacking or being lazy. No, when you are sworking, you are doing work, but just enough to get by. You're walking the fine line between working and totally slacking. You're blazing new territory! You're testing the boundaries, pushing the envelope! Scaredy-cats need not apply!

Well, don't just stand there, get to swork!

Life Advice: So, You're in the Liberal Arts!

Choosing a college major is hard stuff. Ostensibly, this choice will divert the path of your life in the direction it will take you until death. In reality, this is just a decision that could make a difference or just be another Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb choice. But fear not, young people! I have been through this 4-year obstacle course called college, and thus I not only feel superior enough to give you advice, but I also have a certified degree telling me as much! So, let’s expand of the illusory camaraderie that college seems to breed, and have a rap session about choosing a major!
So you’re in college, you’re not the “go-getter” type to do business or accounting (read: you don’t want to have to “dress up” or tie a tie to get paid), and you’re either working on a screenplay, or think it would be cool to backpack through Europe for a summer. Well you, my friend, are a liberal arts major! Technically, it’s “liberal arts & sciences”, which is an add-on to make it seem more legitimate, but don’t be fooled; LA&S is the ultimate “hang-out” school under which to pick a major. But picking LA&S is only the first step, you also have to pick an actual major under that heading! Fear not, for I can help here as well.

Kids (pretend I perched myself backwards on a chair and put on a sincere face), looking at a list of Liberal Arts majors can be confusing and taxing. Every major sounds great, and the description is written to sound like it will enrich your life and lead to enlightenment and a great career. But sadly, just like advertisements, they are misleading in the worst way. So herein I have included a list of the more popular majors in Liberal Arts with explanations of what they involve. Feel free to use it wherever applicable.

Anthropology – Did you like Dinosaurs as a kid? Do you believe in evolution? Do you love sand….everywhere, all the time? Well, so did Anthropologists, until they took Anthropology as a major. This field is home to the subcategories of Archaeology and Paleantology, but as an undergrad, you’ll be doing little more than learning about the history of sagittal crest sizes in homo habilis, and learning peripheral aspects of Chomsky’s revolutionary theory of language. It’s the kind of major where people who hear about it are impressed, but for those on the inside, it’s a lot of digging and no bones.

Communications – This catch-all major includes anything which could lead to you living in L.A. to really “break through”. Film, Journalism, “media studies” (people who don’t look good enough to be on TV, but would like to bitch about it), broadcasting, etc. If Rush Limbaugh calls it a “liberal institution”, you can find it here.

Economics – Your socks don’t match. You have facial hair, not because it’s cool, but because you just don’t want to shave. You’ve always liked blazers and suit jackets. You have an unexplainable urge to always have a pencil with you. Where can you go? Well, turns out that the entire major of Economics was built for folks just like you. You will learn how great numbers are, especially with letters tacked on, that any decision is ultimately part of a utility calculus, and that Ricky was not the only Ricardo to have a huge impact on Western thought. Get out your graph paper!

English – Business is soulless, advertising and media is too main-stream, you hate math (or at least the ACT told you that you should), and the idea of teaching overseas in Asia for a year or two after college is the bee’s knees. Look no further than English. You can speak and read our language, you’re halfway there! Just get through all the Jane Austen, start listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor!, and you’ll have a B.A. in no time! Then you can really find yourself.

Geography – No one really knows what actually goes on here. If you need a place to hide out from your counselor as you approach your junior year, this major sounds serious enough to appease him/her, but anything you tell him/her about what you’re doing will be plausible.

History – This major, no matter where you go, is a who’s who of radical ex-hippies/early Dylan aficionados. You will see pipes, ponytails on guys, hemp-derived clothing, etc. If they are a college professor and a member of your local whole-food co-op, you can most likely find them in the halls of the History department. This major is a good way to practice the fine art of gossip and scandal talk, but without having to refer to pop culture of the current day, just really old pop culture. If nothing else, you can arm yourself with a million “did you know”s for the next cocktail party. Bonus: robber barons!!

Mathematics – You might think that math is pretty cut and dry. You might think that there are rules and that you need only learn them and follow them. You wonder what all the hullabaloo is about. Well, it seems like the only people who know less about math than the lay person is a mathematician. Consider math the gymnastics of academia. No one is quite sure how it is that one becomes that good with numbers and variables, but it’s fun to watch. Also, like gymnasts, mathematicians are considered “washed-up” at 30 years old, and are recycled into convenient pouches of food for other, newer prodigies.

Philosophy – I can tell you with all seriousness that if you want to truly confuse someone during small talk, Philosophy is the way to go. People will ask you “what is your major?” and you will tell them “Philosophy”. The common reaction is as follows: person cocks their head to the side and says “oooooh, what’s that like?”. Beware. They don’t want to hear the answer. For most people, Philosophy is like magic, it’s really impressive and mysterious until you know how it’s done. After that, it’s just as boring as anything else. But, if you really want to narrow your job prospects to the least amount of related possibilities, this major is for you.
Insider trick: Rene Descartes, not a woman. You’re welcome.

Psychology – Among the major that everyone flocks to when they’re not quite sure yet, Psychology is #2 in the collection of unsure hangers-on (we’ll get to #1 in a minute). Everyone thinks they know a lot about psychology either because of Dr. Phil or Lorraine Bracco from “The Sopranos”. Furthermore, everyone has heard of Freud. Therefore, Psychology seems easy. You will encounter a lot of people here who really like to play bags, have “ridden the rail” at the local University themed bar, or will try to convince you that Frats and Sororities are actually “Public Service Organizations”.

The Sciences – I am lumping all of the sciences here because that’s the way that Liberal Arts majors see it, and I’m just trying to prepare you. Biology, Chemistry, Geology, and Physics are real sciences with real data and have no business invading on the turf of ideas and abstraction that is Liberal Arts. However, they draw in most of the funding, and have really neat tools and devices. If you’re a scientist, you really don’t need help here, you know what goes on.

Sociology – Ahh, the ultimate hang-out major. Consider Sociology the floor that the elevator rests on while it waits for people to get on and pick a destination. Perhaps think of it as a rest stop, which is more apt a metaphor, as you’ll find just as much discreet sexual depravity amongst inhabitants and the same varying population. You’ll want to know some terms like “beer-bong”, “naked twister”, “key party”, and “Durkheim”. Those should get you through at least a year as a Soc. Major. If you manage to keep this major and graduate with it, you have several career options open. However, most of those job opportunities involve helping people or “urban planning”, neither of which are reasons why you chose the major in the first place. This is probably because instead of just admitting that it's a hang-out major, Sociologists just kind of take on a little bit of everything that has anything to do with society. This way, instead of being accused of doing nothing at all, sociologists can only be accused of a lazier form of polymathy. But as Pythagoras once said "nobody likes a know-it-all, they much prefer a know-a-little-something-about-everything". You can often identify a school's sociology building by the motto it has posted above the entrance: "Sociology: too little theory to be thorough, not enough statistics to be useful".

I hope this both a) proved useful to you and b) offended everyone in the liberal arts separately. Have a good day!

Roller Coaster

I just want to warn anyone out there with an aversion to mushy feelings and, as Fred Savage so adequately called them in "The Princess Bride", kissing books. When I was a kid (read: about a year ago), I just didn't understand relationships. By this, I don't mean what every joke-depleted observarional stand-up comic means when he says that. I just couldn't find the idea of including someone new in my life, making them the biggest, most important part of my life, and rearranging everything else around this person. Also, I didn't particulary like the fact that this person, due to my totally unoriginal sexual orientation, had to be a woman. I felt about women something similar to what a Berkeley liberal arts grad feels about peyote; everyone else used it to see their spirit animal, you will have to as well, it sounds cool, but it scares the hell out of you.

But, unlike peyote, if you leave yourself open and operate sincerely, love (the good kind) will find you. Six months ago today, love found me, in the form of a ridiculously beautiful woman, whose blog "Dharma Drama" can be found on my sidebar. Sorry, young Fred Savage, this IS a kissing blog.

For those not in the know, love is awesome! It's basically like being on a really fast, loopy roller-coaster all the time, but when the ride ends, they run it in reverse to amplify the awesomeness. That's not a simile, that is exactly what love is. If you don't believe me,I believe that there is a song that says just as much. I talk a lot here about things that are awesome, and I want to make sure I give credit where it is due in that department. So I would like to thank Erin for getting on the ride with me (with a stomach full of Mexican food, to boot), and invite her to continue riding untill the park closes. Young Fred Savage, you can come too.

Things That Are Really Other Things

As I mentioned earlier, ladies and dudes, I'm an idea man. I deal with the abstract, the ephemeral, I've got my head in the aether, my hand on the pulse of all things esoteric. That's why I feel I have a duty to break down the facade that society puts up, the superfluous layers that can be confusing, but shouldn't. That's why I am pulling back the veils, so that you can see that there are things--complicated things--which are really other things--simpler things. Got everything? Good, let's get things rolling.

Cedit Cards: These pieces of platic with a flimsy magnetic strip on the back seem to wield quite a bit of power. To many, they are shrouded in mystery, but really, they are a simple thing. Having a credit card and using it to make a purchase is really just telling the store's proprietor; "hey, I don't have the currency to make this purchase, but I know a bunch of people that will pay you, and utilize a bureaucratic system of extortion to make sure I pay them back." Essentially, it's like having a rich friend who liberally picks up the check, but then hassles you all the time about it later.

Car Horns: There's truly no better way to tell someone "hey, fuck you, but only because we're both in vehicles that we can't jump out of to fight!" Also, the car horn is a way to alert your friend (and all of his neighbors) that you are too tired and enjoying your coffee too much to ring his doorbell, and that you're getting really concerned that you'll both be late for work.

Erasable Pens: If you are confused about how to alert someone that you are grown-up enough to use a pen, but not confident enough in your penmanship, look no further. The erasable pen provides the user with the smooth-writing of a rusty nail dipped in dried ink, and the ability to both half-erase lines and tear the paper at the same time.

Club Soda: Sure, you could have a soda, it's cheaper, it tastes better (well, it tastes like something, unlike club soda, which tastes like nothing with fizz added). But you're trying to send a message. You want people to know that you could be enjoying what you're drinking at the bar, but though you don't want alcohol, you want all the unpalatable sensations that the alcohol drinkers are experiencing. Perhaps it's also because you would just feel inauthentic if you gave a head-nod to Jim from accounting while raising a glass of something that's enjoyable to drink.

Bulk Grocery Membership: Let's face it, everybody loves being a member of an exclusive club, and the more exclusive it is, the better. But some people, on second thought, want to feel like they are in an exclusive club, but would feel bad if they knew that there was a strict discrimination clause that kept certain people out. Enter the Bulk Store membership. Sam's Club, Costco, and others have found that the more your shopping experience can mimic either a) getting into a hot nightclub or b) entering a classified government facility, the more you will want to go. Just give me a card with my name and perhaps picture on it, and demand that I flash said card in order to enter the "zone of bulk savings," and I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's good to know that all that exclusivity really includes anyone who has 30-50 dollars and a state ID.

Ankle socks: Truly, the ankle sock is the way to show everyone that you really don't appreciate the whole convention about wearing socks with shoes, but you'll appease society anyway. You're just doing the bare minimum to get by. To wear ankle socks is to get Cs all the way through college to please your parents so you can work at your dad's company. When someone sees you in ankle socks, they can see that you may abide by society's general rules, but you're gonna give 'em all sorts of shit about it!

Tornadoes and Conspiracies!

Folks, here at S.O.M.B.Wi.S., there is a recognized obligation to honor all things awesome as they pass by our collective consciousness. Two events have happened recently that ought to remind us all that there are still awesome things happening, even in this admittedly cynical age. The first event of which I speak is the recent launch of the VORTEX II project. The project is the latest attempt to study the formation of tornadoes by way of hurling objects into them. Reminder: You cannot deny the awesomeness of something that can put a car through a tree and scientists still have no idea why it shows up when it does. Some may claim that this coul also refer to ex-WWF superstar "The Ultimate Warrior," but recent studies have revealed Warrior-attributed tree impalements as mere conjecture (there still, however, are no appealing theories regarding the Warrior's appearance).

The second awesome event of late is the release of the new conspiri-action "flick" (an insider word for talking picture) "Angels & Demons". Stay with me here; I am not saying it will be a great film. This movie is merely awesome as a side effect of being about the Catholic Church's battle with the Illuminati. Here's a lesson kids; the bigger the conspiracy and or impending doom shaping the plot of a movie, the better. This brings us back to the first topic, tornadoes, or more broadly, ginormous natural disasters. Movies about huge, earth-destroying natural disasters, or impossibly grandiose localized natural disasters (see Armageddon and Twister, respectively) are guaranteed awesome--granted the special effects are right. The formula works for conspiracy movies in a similar way. The point to take away here: Reach for hyperbole. The bigger the disaster, the more over-arching and intricate the conspiracy, the better.

Idea Man

Folks, I'm an idea man. I don't mess around with concrete objects, manual labor, or hourly pay. I have a brain that's constantly filled with ideas, good ones, ones about things like what happens when you time travel and invent time travel earlier than it was actually invented. Obviously, you'd end up in a duel with alternate versions of yourself in which all versions of you kept traveling back in time to invent time travel earlier. It'd be a mess, I assure you, but that's neither here nor there (but at the same time, it's both here and there! Don't you see?!!!). Since I deal with ideas, and chose a totally career-unfriendly major (philosophy) in which to use this "talent", I find myself wrestling with the big questions all of the time (see above).

However, there are certain things that people think an "idea man" should know, certain things they should be able to, if not answer, at least have many thoughts about. One of these things, these "burning questions" is the now infamous "what is the meaning of life?". Well, I gotta say, I hate to disappoint, but that's probably the stupidest and most meaningless question I've ever heard. I've found that people really only ask this in 3 circumstances:

a) They ask me what I got my degree in, I answer, then they ask me the above question
b) The person asking is French and in their 20s
c) The person is taking Peyote with their friends and thinks they are going to have a deep, hallucinogen-fueled discussion.

There may be more specific occasions, but I assure you that they are merely derivatives of the above three. The thing to take away from this rant, before I officially launch into it, is that this question doesn't mean anything. Normally, if someone asks you a question, even if you don't know the answer, you at least know how you would answer it if you knew the information they were requesting. For instance. If someone asked me who played the President of the United States in the classic aliens-attack-earth-and-Randy-Quaid-saves-humanity- film "Independence Day," even if I didn't know Bill Pullman's name or didn't know anything about the movie, I could at least know the form that a satisfying answer would have. But the "big question" does not meet this criteria. There is no satisfying answer format that anyone can think of. Try it, I'll wait. Those who are smart-asses, like myself, probably said "well, if they're asking the meaning of life, a dictionary entry for the word will suffice". True, I have answered people in that way, and they are not satisfied, which showed me that they either a) are prejudiced against Merrian Webster or b) were not asking for the definition of the word "life".

Really, it boils down to this: being alive, then asking what is the meaning of life is like receiving a chemistry set for Christmas and asking "so, what am I supposed to do with this?". Furthermore, people who ask the even more irritating "why are we here?" are basically doing the same thing as getting an awesome present from your friend, but asking why they got you a gift when it's not your birthday or anything. Just fucking enjoy the present and be happy you got it in the first place! I realize that at this point, I'm sounding kind of preachy, but I don't care. I don't think I blame people for asking these questions, though. They most likely heard other people ask them, and never bothered to think of how meaningless the question is. It's like when you hear that smart guy with the sportcoat (the one with the suede elbow pads on it) say "superfluous" at a cocktail party, and you think you got it by using the context, so you continue to use it, but not correctly. Ultimately, one day, you'll describe the pizza you just ate as superfluous, and someone will inform you that you might not know what it means. At that point, it is your job to inform others using words incorrectly to cease and desist. In the same way, take the initiative and let people know how silly their question about the meaning of life is.

Remember, there are a lot of things in Monty Python movies that don't warrant your intense investigation, the "meaning of life" is one of them.

My Hand on the Heartbeat of Fashion

Having an awesome blog affords you all sorts of cool opportunities. I recently, and after a great amount of effort, got to sit down with the guy who decides what is "cool". This is not the same guy who decides which things are popular, just which things that the guy wearing a USA #1 t-shirt ironically, and reading Chomsky will tell you are cool. Here's part of my interview:

Mikeosaurus: Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

Decider: Oh, no sweat, interviews are in anyway.

M: Sweet!

D: Don't get too excited, interviewers are out.

M: Bummer. Anyway, so what's newly cool, what just got cred?

D: I just gave the go-ahead on the Shamwow guy being cool to talk about. It was a tough call, but I feel like I made the right choice.

M: Well, I certainly can't argue with that. Speaking of tough calls, why Transformers instead of Gobots? If you're going for retro ironic nostalgia, why not go all the way?

D: Good question. That was a tough call, and you can see that in my verdict on Vanilla Ice as opposes to Snow. I think that the Gobots, like Snow, were to self-aware the first time around for us to be ironic about now.

M: You might be right. Does that mean that when the time comes, Volcano will beat out Dante's Peak?

D: Oooh, I don't know, neither of those caught on more than the others, so we'll see.

M: Fair enough. PBR, can old Wisconsinians still drink it, or is it reserved for, say, an Of Montreal show?

D: It's funny that you mention that, because I was in Wisconsin recently, making the old Bucks jerseys cool again. I wouldn't be exclusive in that way on purpose, but once I put the stamp on something, the dudes with the ironic trucker hats make the calls. It's a lot like religion in that way. You can only tell people the message, but ultimately, it's their job to totally misinterpret it or purposely ruin it for their own ends.

M: Yeah, that must sting a little. But onwards. I've noticed recently that the same people who seem to be the first to pick up on the trends you set are all walking around advertising Public Radio as a lifestyle, but when you talk to them, they don't even know what "Morning Edition" is. Did you make Public Radio part of cool without the listening aspect on purpose, or was that accidental?

D: Well, that's the same thing that happened with "going green", fitness, and social justice issues. I made the mistake of saying "okay, these things are hip", but I underestimated hipsters' ability to act as if they do things, while merely embracing the concept of something. I probably should've found a way to fix that, but there's just some loss in the translation, I think.

M: No biggie, it's just good to have the clarification. I do have one burning question about your practice as a whole, a kind of methodological question, if you will.

D: Oh, by all means...

M: Well, since about 1998 or so, give or take a few years, there's been this kind of retro/nostalgia/irony thing happening. First it was bell bottoms and ponchos, then the 80s came back, and people are still faux-excited about key-tars and "The Goonies". It seems that every decade from the 20th centuries can be found all in one outfit that a girl is wearing to an Arcade Fire show. Even the 90s are becoming retro-hip. Where do you go from here? It seems that retro-hip caught up with current times.

D: Mhm. Believe me, friend, not a day goes by that I don't think of that. It's a problem, to be sure. But I think what will ultimately end up happening is something I've been throwing around the office....it's called a lob-back. It's like a throwback, which we're seeing now, but just longer. It's like a depression compared to a recession. I'm talking chicks in bloomers, dudes in top-hats, pantaloons, kinckers, shoes with buckles, high stockings, togas and olive-leafs. Just going back until there's new hipsters and they forgot that the old generation was ironic about flappers. Maybe then people will be wearing Kikwears and Jncos again and blaring Limp Bizkit at parties, getting as pumped about them as people get about Styx now.

M: Wow. It's a shame I won't be around to see that. Thanks for sharing, that seems almost like a magician divulging the methods to his tricks.

D: No, I still have the real tricks to myself. There'll always be another "Pants-off Dance-off" in the vault [editor's note: a "Pants-off Dance-off" is a name for something that is famous and popular, sometimes ironically, but no one knows why].

M: Man, I look forward to more of those! Anyway, it was great talking to you, I really appreciate it.

D: Oh, no problem at all. It's good we're ending this, interviews are out now.

M: Ouch! I just made it. Boy, fashion is fickle for us hipsters! Perhaps we can meet again, when it's retro-ironic-cool to do interviews?

D: Absolutely.

Ever More Awesome

Western civilization was built upon, and could thus be summed up by one simple maxim; "ever more awesome". Simple, yes, but not easy. You see, wars were waged, lands were conquered, and innovations were made--all to be more awesome. But what does this mean? How does one know if they are awesome? What attributes are found in those who are awesome? These questions are all, in a way, heading in the wrong direction. There is no set of attributes or properties that, when assembled, bestow awesomeness upon something or someone. It is much like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said of obscenity: "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it". Similarly, when I see something that is awesome, I know it, furthermore, someone else who sees it knows as well. This kind of silent unanimity is what does all the talking about what is awesome. Simply put, it's a kind of intuition that we have, as members of a society, as people aware of our place in history and our generation.

That being said, being awesome is not accidental. Though one may not be able to explain to you why something is awesome, one can certainly take steps to be more awesome. Part of these steps are strides toward being genuine, being sincere. When a person is doing something wholeheartedly and with excitement, those things show outwardly. Whatever they are doing is often done much more impressively, and the person themselves captures the attention of those who are paying attention. Alexander the Great (who could possibly be also called Alexander the Awesome), in his trip across half the globe, had the sincere belief of a united world. He may not have been awesome in the way that we see more non-offensive people as awesome, but he may have just been part of an evolution in awesomeness. Another part of being awesome is a general feeling of goodwill, a kind of looking to everyone and saying "come, enjoy this, for it is truly great". This is part and parcel with sincerity, but more of an extension of it. It is the realization of happiness in what one is doing, and a wish to give everyone that joy. Simply put; maximum fun, all around!

Friends, it is not often that my posts take this serious a turn, but I feel it necessary as we attempt to build the legacy of this new century, our legacy. I wake every day, and sometimes I do not wish to go anywhere or do anything. Sometimes I get lost and I lose hope for a minute. But nearly every day, I see something awesome, I see someone who really is being awesome, and I am inspired and reminded of what I ought to do. What I am talking about is not being great for the sake of your ego, or for the sake of being remembered, it is rebuilding the world, just more awesomely! Your fellow humans need you more than you think. They rely upon others to inspire them, inform them, revitalize them, and so much more. Being awesome is doing all of the above. Let us build this new age, our age. Let us open our hearts like masts and catch the wind of today to push us into tomorrow. Let us move forward, toward the future built on the bricks that we carry today. Let us push onward, ever more awesome!

We're Gonna Need A Bigger Internet!

Well, they won't call me crazy now, will they? According to the Times of London, there is not going to be enough internet to go around by about 2012. I guess the Mayans were right, as they clearly wrote (or "inscribed") about this type of mayhem on their stone blogs. One could think that this problem could be solved by making more internet, but it's not that easy. You see for years, the good folks at the Joint Internet Research Collaboration Office (JIRCOff, for short) have warned us of this very problem. As Senator Ted Stevens, who was recently named the Cheif of JIRCOff operations, warned us, the tubes that comprise the internet are getting jammed. Each persons internet is now tangled in many other people's internets, thus making it less of a net and more of a web. This World Wide Web (or WoWiWe, as the Chinese call it) is now a trap for all sorts of information, and it's getting denser ever day. So, whereas you used to be able to get your pornography in a matter of seconds, it may soon take a matter of minutes.

The government is not overlooking this problem, and has assembled the Web-Associated New Knowledge Engineering Research Squad (W.A.N.K.E.R.S, for short). This squad will work closely with JIRCOff, but independently of it, in order to gather more information from more areas of the private sector. In order to do this, the Senate voted almost unanimously to allow bids from private consulting and tech companies to assemble the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. An amalgam of executives and consultants formed the Bandwidth Allocation Limited Liability Subcommittee and Corporation (B.A.L.L.S.A.C.), which is now approved to handle the task at hand.

In the past few months, however, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. have not produced much, and Congress has begun to put pressure on the B.A.L.L.S, calling for more concrete output. A head researcher from the Subcommittee (wishes to remain anonymous), claims that the expectation placed on them were unfair, and recent demands have caused friction. "I'm not saying that we're doing the best work we can," says the researcher, "but this newest batch of criticisms has really rubbed the B.A.L.L.S the wrong way."

With this kind of bureaucracy going on, it's no wonder that a solution is not any closer. That's why the Web Applications Domain (W.A.D) was created by some rogue opensource software engineers. It has already made its mark in this debate from all corners of the cyber-globe, prompting outrage from the J.I.R.C.Off. "The W.A.D. has made a huge mess of things, and though they claim they're doing necessary work, they've really just created an ugly spot on this reasearch landscape!" An unofficial source from the Net Neutrality Network exlclaimed.

But with so many parties attacking one another, why aren't they attacking the problem. David H., who used to work for B.A.L.L.S. (his name has been changed per his request), has his own ideas on the ongoing battle. " Listen, without the B.A.L.L.S., there would be no W.A.D., and I have a lot of sources with pretty convincing evidence that the initiation of the J.I.R.C.Off led to the W.A.D. "

The more you look at it, the more complex the problem becomes, kind of like a bureaucratic Magic Eye. But one thing is for sure, with all this interplay involving the B.A.L.L.S, J.I.R.C.Off, and the W.A.D, it's hard to imagine anyone penetrating this particular problem.

NOTE: This piece of "journalism" is neither endorsed nor acknowledged by the author of this blog. It may or may not exist, and may or not be intended as humor.

In Which I Face The Brewing Storm

It's hard to tell exactly when one becomes famous. There seems to be a time when one can look around and know that they've made it, but is there some benchmark to really reveal that one has indeed arrived? Yes, there is, and I have reached said benchmark. I received my first notice that there was a price on my head.

It went down like this: I checked my email, as I do every day. In my "emailbox", or whatever the kids call it these days, I found a message with the sender "deadlink". It basically spelled things out as follows:

"I have being paid $40,000 in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer, it's one I believe you call a friend."

Apparently, I have been followed for the past 10 days, but my would-be assassin has concluded that I'm innocent of the accusations. However, he still has a job to do, and unless I pay him 20K more than his employer, he's gonna rub me out.

I have to pay 30 thou in advance, which gets me audio & video evidence of the hit order. I'll be visited in my home or office soon (I prefer home, as my office, like The Fonz's, is the WC), and the deal will go down.

He ends the email by saying I really have no choice and that I should cooperate or "face the brewing storm".

So, to recap, I am big enough to have a 40 thou hit out on me. I believe that any publicity is good publicity, so I will take this as a compliment. But not only am I famous enough to warrant a contract kill, but I'm too good of a person for a hitman to just kill without giving me a chance for a buy-out. Now, I don't even have $1,000, let alone $30,000, and that is only enough to get evidence, which will do me no good if I'm dead. So, what's the lesson here? Fame comes at a price, and that price is $20,000 more than the amount that someone has been offerred to kill you.