Did You Know?! - S.O.M.B.Wi.S presents: Wikistorical "facts"

History is a tricky subject. If you want to really get a good knowledge of history, you have to know facts. But, as with most other areas of study, nobody really wants to study to know facts, especially when it's easier just to make them up! Thus, I have created the ultimate guide to acquiring historical knowledge without the bother of having to learn them. I call it Wikistoricism, from the Latin roots "wiki" which means "to fabricate with false authority" and "storistia" which means "stuff that may or may not have happened".

Step 1: Assert your authority!

Folks, this is then internet--which means that you can do many things that would either get you beaten up or severely reprimanded in the real world. So take advantage of this fact. The principle of "act as if" is of most use in asserting false authority. Act as if you're the expert on nuclear fusion. After all, you've been dealing with atoms and subatomic particles for your whole life! Hell, you're practically made of atoms! It's true, look it up, smarty! With that small factual basis, you can use the power of inference to build up to asserting something grandiose. Try it on your next Facebook update or Twat it on your Twiiter and watch the Twits who follow your Twuts be amazed!

Step 2: Plant the Seed of Doubt.

So you've asserted your authority and people will now listen to what you have to say. Now what? Well, it's time to widen the knowledge gap between you and those to whom you're making proclamations. This is done by planting the seed of doubt. Make them feel less knowledgeable about something by telling them something they didn't know. Example: tell a med student that vitamin C has been shown to cause extra nipple growth in rhesus monkeys. It may not be true, but it's still something that he/she didn't know! And won't they feel bad that they didn't know something whose subject they're studying in school?!

Step 3: The Crucial Question: Did You Know?....

With your "authority" asserted and your seeds of doubt carefully planted, it's time to razzle-dazzle 'em (I assure you, as a straight, twenty-something male, I totally didn't see Chicago, and definitely cannot sing that song and do the accompanying tap dance number. wink, wink) . You might think that it's time to just freeball it and throw all sorts of B.S., citing the authority of your B.A., but wait! Before you go plumbing the depths of your bullshiticus gland (which is totally a real gland, because spellcheck didn't underline it!) for scraps to throw to the peons, you need to set yourself up properly. Standard operating procedure is to preface any wikistorical fact by asking, casually; "did you know...". This does a few things. First, it reasserts your already stated authority by implying that you do, in fact, know what you're about to tell the person in quesiton. Secondly, you are basically telling this person that you assume they aren't in the know on this particular subject, whereas you are.

Step 4: Bring it Home

Now, dear friends, it's time to spin the web of falsifications. Be careful, you can still muck it up at this point! Just because you've got them eating out of your hands, doesn't mean they won't bite those hands if they don't like what you're feeding them. Still, because this is obviously part of a wager with yourself as to how absurd a ruse you can get someone to fall for, aim sky high! The trick here is to make the first part of what you say plausible to the point of being borderline true. This is called the old bait and bait some more. Now it's time to go for the explosion of absurdity. Claim that Al Capone and Babe Ruth were actually brothers, make six degrees of connection from Kevin Bacon to the Loch Ness Monster, inform your friends that the Sears Tower is actually the Seers Tower, and was built by the Illuminati as an observatory for their seers to watch over the midwest! The world is your oyster!

With these 4 steps, you can create a fog of lies so dense, you just might be recruited by Karl Rove. But remember, with great power comes great responsibility, Uncle Ben said that, before he handed over his secret rice recipe to his nephew, Spider-Man.