What Do You Telephone? (And Other Word Perversions)

So, anyone who hangs out with me is acquainted with a few facts; 1) I am not, in fact, a dinosaur (dinosaurs never evolved the ability to blog, which is probably why they went extinct) 2) I like to play with words. Now, by "play with words" I mean that I like to play with both the spelling of words and the sounds that they make. I'm partial to the English language, but I can make a few Spanish puns. But when I do this, when I spin my punnery, I am always bombarded by groans of some sort of (I assume feigned) disapproval and/or annoyance. In some cases, my better half (read: "ladyfriend" or "witchay woman") will pause, purse her lips and ask "really? seriously?". I assure you she can sound out all of those letters with her lips pursed. It's amazing, you should see her drink through 10 crazy straws and recite poetry at the same time.

My point here is that there is just soooooo much fun that you can have with words, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded by this fact. Perhaps it's just this crazy American English that I am lucky enough to have as my native tongue, but I have a feeling that languages with umlauts and slashes through their o's can probably have even more fun.

Speaking of witch, warlock. <----- See what I mean?!

I'd like to see a movie with Neil Young and Gary Oldman, so the poster could read "Young Oldman".

I think that the last thing that Garfield wanted to do was Peyote. <---- Right?!!

Do you think that that the U.S. Mint still makes cents? Is it a pepper mint or spearmint?

I only like to make turns on red, so they're alright. (sound it out, kids)

Think I've got issues? Probably, but not nearly as many as the owner of a magazine stand.

Light switches of the world, do I turn you on?

Perhaps I'm being a bit too zealous here. Let's get leisurely.
Everyone's always saying things like "I only drink on days that end in 'y'." I, on the other hand, only drink on days that end in "what". I think that if that did really happen, that'd be reason enough to drink. Don't you?

I should probably heed the advice that my mother once gave me:
Quit while you're ahead. Keep going if you're still afoot.

I red an erotic story and nearly blue my load! (Orange you glad you read that? Color me surprised!)

Now, by this point, dear readers (all 2 or so of you), you might be about at the tipping point (hint: NOT the point at which you decide to give the waiter a little extra). But I assure you, one day you will thank me for thinking of these things--it means that you don't have to. You're welcome. Now, let's bring it back to the beginning to what I asked you in my subject line.

Answer: The same thing that you television. (Waka waka!)