We're Gonna Need A Bigger Internet!

Well, they won't call me crazy now, will they? According to the Times of London, there is not going to be enough internet to go around by about 2012. I guess the Mayans were right, as they clearly wrote (or "inscribed") about this type of mayhem on their stone blogs. One could think that this problem could be solved by making more internet, but it's not that easy. You see for years, the good folks at the Joint Internet Research Collaboration Office (JIRCOff, for short) have warned us of this very problem. As Senator Ted Stevens, who was recently named the Cheif of JIRCOff operations, warned us, the tubes that comprise the internet are getting jammed. Each persons internet is now tangled in many other people's internets, thus making it less of a net and more of a web. This World Wide Web (or WoWiWe, as the Chinese call it) is now a trap for all sorts of information, and it's getting denser ever day. So, whereas you used to be able to get your pornography in a matter of seconds, it may soon take a matter of minutes.

The government is not overlooking this problem, and has assembled the Web-Associated New Knowledge Engineering Research Squad (W.A.N.K.E.R.S, for short). This squad will work closely with JIRCOff, but independently of it, in order to gather more information from more areas of the private sector. In order to do this, the Senate voted almost unanimously to allow bids from private consulting and tech companies to assemble the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. An amalgam of executives and consultants formed the Bandwidth Allocation Limited Liability Subcommittee and Corporation (B.A.L.L.S.A.C.), which is now approved to handle the task at hand.

In the past few months, however, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. have not produced much, and Congress has begun to put pressure on the B.A.L.L.S, calling for more concrete output. A head researcher from the Subcommittee (wishes to remain anonymous), claims that the expectation placed on them were unfair, and recent demands have caused friction. "I'm not saying that we're doing the best work we can," says the researcher, "but this newest batch of criticisms has really rubbed the B.A.L.L.S the wrong way."

With this kind of bureaucracy going on, it's no wonder that a solution is not any closer. That's why the Web Applications Domain (W.A.D) was created by some rogue opensource software engineers. It has already made its mark in this debate from all corners of the cyber-globe, prompting outrage from the J.I.R.C.Off. "The W.A.D. has made a huge mess of things, and though they claim they're doing necessary work, they've really just created an ugly spot on this reasearch landscape!" An unofficial source from the Net Neutrality Network exlclaimed.

But with so many parties attacking one another, why aren't they attacking the problem. David H., who used to work for B.A.L.L.S. (his name has been changed per his request), has his own ideas on the ongoing battle. " Listen, without the B.A.L.L.S., there would be no W.A.D., and I have a lot of sources with pretty convincing evidence that the initiation of the J.I.R.C.Off led to the W.A.D. "

The more you look at it, the more complex the problem becomes, kind of like a bureaucratic Magic Eye. But one thing is for sure, with all this interplay involving the B.A.L.L.S, J.I.R.C.Off, and the W.A.D, it's hard to imagine anyone penetrating this particular problem.

NOTE: This piece of "journalism" is neither endorsed nor acknowledged by the author of this blog. It may or may not exist, and may or not be intended as humor.

In Which I Face The Brewing Storm

It's hard to tell exactly when one becomes famous. There seems to be a time when one can look around and know that they've made it, but is there some benchmark to really reveal that one has indeed arrived? Yes, there is, and I have reached said benchmark. I received my first notice that there was a price on my head.

It went down like this: I checked my email, as I do every day. In my "emailbox", or whatever the kids call it these days, I found a message with the sender "deadlink". It basically spelled things out as follows:

"I have being paid $40,000 in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer, it's one I believe you call a friend."

Apparently, I have been followed for the past 10 days, but my would-be assassin has concluded that I'm innocent of the accusations. However, he still has a job to do, and unless I pay him 20K more than his employer, he's gonna rub me out.

I have to pay 30 thou in advance, which gets me audio & video evidence of the hit order. I'll be visited in my home or office soon (I prefer home, as my office, like The Fonz's, is the WC), and the deal will go down.

He ends the email by saying I really have no choice and that I should cooperate or "face the brewing storm".

So, to recap, I am big enough to have a 40 thou hit out on me. I believe that any publicity is good publicity, so I will take this as a compliment. But not only am I famous enough to warrant a contract kill, but I'm too good of a person for a hitman to just kill without giving me a chance for a buy-out. Now, I don't even have $1,000, let alone $30,000, and that is only enough to get evidence, which will do me no good if I'm dead. So, what's the lesson here? Fame comes at a price, and that price is $20,000 more than the amount that someone has been offerred to kill you.

Celebrate! It Might be Shakespeare's Birthday!

For those of you in the pretentious "literate" crowd (by which I mean, those who can read, and flaunt it. I mean, who do you think you are?!), might be aware that today is one of the many days that might be Shakespeare's birthday. Apparently, it was also the day that he died in 1616, which makes him allegedly as cool as Mark Twain, but without the comet. Some say that Shakespeare was not born on the same day he died and that it was a mistake made by a historian, but I'd stick with it if I were one of the 'Speareheads (I swear I made that up), Marshmallow Fluff was an accident, but look how awesome that worked out!

So with today being possibly Shakespeare's Possible birthday, I thought it only appropriate to dish out a few fast facts about Shakespeare and about other possibly fictitious but nonetheless awesome people. Now, the thing about "fast-facts" is that while they may, in fact, be fast, they are less likely to be facts. Got it? Good.

- William Shakespeare was born to John Shakespeare and Mary Arden in Stratford-upon-Avon, which is one of the only cities with a preposition in it (aside from 'round-about-Columbus, Ohio).

- Shortly before enrolling at the local liberal arts college, 18 year old William met and married the then 26 year old Anne Hathaway. This proved fruitful for both, as Hathaway went on to start in Shakespeare's early comedy "The Princess Diaries" and used her clout in Hollywood to push her Husband's "Romeo and Juliet" through the studio system.

- The Authorship of Shakespeare's plays came into question around a century after his death, based on many contradictions in both the work and the man's upbringing and class, and the fact that the soft copies of his plays came from many different hard drives.

- Among the men believed to be an author of many or all Shakespeare plays is Francis Bacon, the famous philosopher and pioneer of the scientific method. This theory gained credence when it was discovered that most Shakespeare plays began with a hypothesis and were riddled with seemingly unnecessary data tables. Holders of this belief call their theory "the Six Degrees of Francis Bacon".

- Many believe that "Shake-speare" is an old English pseudonym, based on the goddess Athena, who was born shaking a spear. This practice was common at the time, both in the literary circles and in the then budding adult theater industry. Common names included Tom Tell-truth, Martin Mar-prelate, and Cuthbert Curry-nave. The tradition continued with later risque pseudonyms such as "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow", and "Ernest Hemingway".

- Malcom X once posited that King James I was actually the author of Shakespeare's plays. While many scoffed at such an idea, it makes perfect sense, as King James I was also King James VI, proving his ability to be many prominent people at once, and consequently throwing metaphysics at the time into a total tailspin.

SNOBservations: Still No Flying Cars?!

This post is going to start what in in the blogosphere call a "feature" (don't be scared, folks, it's just a buzz word). It's called "Snobservations" and it is where I put on my snob hat, made of 100% pure pretense and make timely comments on even timelier issues. Well, enough introductory verbiage, away we go!

As a child of the last few decades of the 20th century, I was led to believe that I had a great era in front of me. For years, the year 2000 was touted as the time when "the Future" would become the present. Now, technically this did happen, as the year 2000 became the present. However, that year did not bring us into the capital F future, as was promised. That future was a packaged deal, much like a patio set, and along with cyborgs and space travel, it included the chase lounges of hoverbaords and flying cars.

Now, even as a child, I knew that many of the fantastical things promised by the Zemeckises and Spielbergs were mere pipe dreams. But I gave enough credit to human industriousness to hold out for flying cars. To me, flying automobiles became the embodiment of the Future. But alas, it is almost the end of the first decade of the 21st century, and cars are still as terrestrial as ever. Ladies and gents, I don't ask for much. I don't mind if trucks also fly, I don't demand any efficiency or economic benchmarks be met, I merely want the cars to speed along without using the ground. I don't even care so much if I myself can drive one, the powers that be can demand special licenses and such (it makes sense, after all). All I am asking for is that the cars are in the air. Yes, there are people starving, a worldwide economic meltdown, etc. But, if building planes and tanks cured the last depression, flying cars can only do good things. It's not like you have much to lose, GM.

More Duels (aka Duel-ality, or Much Aduel About Nothing)

Not much to introduce here, just more duels that need to be settled. Off we go:

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN vs HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL
One has starred in many Oscar-nominated films, and redefined character acting. One has been incorporated in the greater Chicagoland area for over a century. While they may seem quite like an apples/oranges match-up, one should note that PSH's acting ability is further enhanced by his competitive schools and low property tax rates. Hoffman Estates, however, is severely lacking in the Golden Globe wins department.
WINNER: A landslide if there ever was one, Phillip Seymour comes out the better Hoffman.

J-LO vs LO MEIN
Don't be fooled by the Bok (choy) that it's got, it's still the tastiest noodle dish on the block. Lo mein has been a Chinese favorite for many empires, but Jennifer Lopez just recently came from the Empire State conquer both Hollywood and the Music industry. But which Lo is Lo-er?
WINNER: In the end, mixing spicy tofu with J-Lo just makes a mess. The noodles take it.

MILKY WAY vs THE MILKY WAY
At first glance, this seems to be a battle akin to the Superman/Doomsday battle, in which cities were destroyed and both heavyweights fell (read: nerd nerd nerd). However, if you have had the pleasure of biting into a Milky Way, you know that the candy bar is actually made of concentrated pieces of the Milky Way galaxy, and it's wonderful. So the decision is actually not really a decision at all.

WINNER: Tie. But everyone knows the real loser here is Pluto.

A Gentleman's Duel

Here at S.O.M.B.Wi.S, we're all about being gentlemanly. That's why we employ the ultimate Gentlemanly tool to settle disputes; the duel. There are many people, places, and things (read: nouns) that are just itchin' for their scores to be settled. So what, you may ask, is the main area of contention here? (read: where's the beef?) Well, there are many, but the biggest of them all is the name. How can two famous entities share the same name and NOT come to blows? Well, here, loyal reader, they will. Let the duelling commence!

Pee-Wee Herman vs. Pee Wee Hockey:
Admittedly, this is more of an undercard fight, but still, who really deserves this seemingly diminutive title? Herman has the bigger fan base (obviously), but hockey usually has
more blood and less public masturbation associated with it. It's a tough call, considering neither is very popular these days.

WINNER: Pee-Wee Herman. At the end of the day, he still has that laugh.

Rutger Hauer vs. Rutgers University
It's a veritable clash of the titans, as the Austrian born actor and Evil Replicant of the Blade Runner movie faces off against the highly respected American University. Both feature a rich history and undeniable influence on the Liberal Arts, but only one has that winning smile that's both a little evil and a little warm all at once.
WINNER: Rutger Hauer. Yeah, you could sleep with Rutgers University, but would you proudly tell the ladies in the sewing circle about it?

M.C. Hammer vs. M.C. Escher
This would not be an easy decision for even the most seasoned of judges. Both MCs are formidable opponents. One can confuse you with a landscape of impossible abstractions, while one is kick-ass with a pencil kit! But like we learned from Higlander....
WINNER: Escher finds out the hard way, he can't touch this.

The Reds Go Green!!!

So I was cruising down one of the main streets of the Midwestern city that I frequent, when I saw a stop sign. Following the usual protocol, I stopped my vehicle. As usual, the stop sign cordially thanked me, in a Victorian-inspired English accent. But, not per usual, this sign had an......accessory, if you will. Attached to the top of this sign was a pole with a solar panel on top of it. Now, I'm as "green" as the next guy, in that my eyes and some of my clothes are green, but I am not sure about this particular energy saving move. I would like to remind those reading that this is not a stop LIGHT, like those that have bulbs and other electrical parts. This is a flat, octagonal piece of metal painted red and white.

Now, as I am an educated man (I went to a school, you might have heard of it....Hard knocks!!!), I was hit by the obvious concerns. First, I wondered how people would know to stop on cloudy days, or at night. I then reasoned that surely the city government must have though of this and created a way to store this power, or have a substitute means of power, like a hamster or a small man operating an even smaller underground machine. That concern aside, I became fearful that perhaps the panel was not at all for the Stop sign. A stop sign, no matter how technologically advanced, could never use as much power as this panel was unjustly stealing from the sun. I immediately came to the conclusion that there must be a darker motive. The first thing that came to my mind was the Soviets. Let's be fair though, usually when something is amiss, my first thought is the Soviets. However, the stop sign is RED. The stop sign is also a COMMAND, while the Soviets utilized a COMMAND economy, complete with central planning. Also, there were 8 main heads of state during the Soviet Era: Lenin, Stalin, Malenkov, Khruschev, Brezhnev, Andropov, Chernenko, and Gorbachev. There are how many sides on a stop sign? 8!!!!!!!! I don't think I need to go any further.

So, I must applaud this small Midwestern city for being clever enough to hide their shady alliance with a dead superpower by using such a benign piece of traffic furniture. However, I cannot stand by and allow the Soviets to steal power from the Sun to fuel their communist comeback before the U.S. does. I mean, they already beat us into space, and we had to fake a moon landing to get them to stop that madness. If there are two things I learned from growing up during the Cold War, it's that A) the U.S. is number one, we have the shirts and trucker hats to prove it B) we will not lose another technologically themed race. So here is my call to arms for America: It's time to get solar. Take out your calculators, and smash them. Remove the solar panels from them, glue them together to form one big solar panel, and tape them to everything; your roof, your car, your dog, your shirts. Even if the panels are not configured to power anything, they'll be visible. Remember, as we learned from the arms race, we're not concerned about things working or being practical, we just want to show the Soviets that we mean business! Until next time, stay vigilant. This war may be Cold, but the Sun is certainly heating it up.

You're Not Fooling Anyone, Letter W!

Okay, 23rd letter of the alphabet, it's time you heard this from someone; you're doing nobody any good hanging around with R. I know, you may have some good times, you may enjoy the companionship, but we both know that your presence in R's affairs is superfluous at best. He could do without you. So why do you insist on hanging around with him in words where you're right next to him? He does all the work, and gets all the credit when it comes to pronounciation. Do you just like to come first? Does it give you a thrill to be capitalized? It just seems like you want the attention. Here's a list of words on which you collaborate with R frequently:

Write, wrong, wrist, writhe, wraith, wrap, the list goes on...

Notice anything? You can't be heard! If you were taken out, there would be no difference. Perhaps the Wright Bros. would have some beef with getting rid of you, but upom further examination, the resulting "Right" more accurately describes them. They gave us flight, after all! Most of the wr/non-wr homophone discrepencies which are not solved by spelling differences are solved by context anyway. (note: "context" here does not refer to a book written by a prison inmate). When I'm told to "take a right", I don't take out my journal and pen while I'm at the intersection. When someone asks me to wrap a present, I don't sit the parcel down and spit phat rhymes at it. Do you see what I'm getting at, W?

This doesn't mean that it's over for you, w. You have your own work, solo projects of yours that are pretty successful. Take some time for you (not the letter U, who never treated you right anyway). Be proud of words like West, Weiner, Win, and World. If you could just drop R, instead of "wring", you'd have "wing", and you could fly away home.

Don't Bother Next Time, Snickers

Here at S.O.M.B.Wi.S., we (the royal "we", of course) try to remind those who are crawling on the web that there are still things in this world to laugh about. However, since this is a weblog (or w'blog, for short), a certain amount of snoberry (not really a berry, despite its spelling and sweet taste) and judgmentalism is required. Thus, I must not only remind you internetters that there are things to laugh about, but I probably should tell you what you SHOULDN'T be laughing about. Consider me your Stacey London of humor. You need only walk out of the fitting room with something you think might be funny, and I wince and make a snide comment, then tell you that you're wrong.

So, what is it that started me on this rant? It is an attempt at humor so foul, so myopic, and so un-self-aware, that it should technically be punishable by some act involving a restraining device and a public square. You have probably seen these billboards on roads you have traveled recently. These ads have been multiplying like rabbits, and much like rabbits, more than 2 in one place is problematic. These billboards have messages like "Get dunked on by Patrick Chewing", "take a vacation to Eatgypt", and "climb Mt. Foodji". I'll just sit here and let that sink in for a second. Now, before you defend these ads, I would like to make two facts known. First of all, the making of a Pun is a high art, much like making a lightsaber. Like a lightsaber, if costructed without care, it will explode in your face. Secondly, these ads were NOT made by a second-grader. Perhaps that's what you were thinking, and would be the only possible defense for their existence.

The bottom line is that putting these ads up is akin to putting your child's C- test paper on the fridge after her many A papers were there before. Don't bother.

Celebrating the End of Our Nation's Cleavage

Today marks a great day in the history of the United State of America (or as us natives pronounce it, Uh-Merica, or 'Merca for short). It was on this day 144 years ago that the bloodiest and most expensive practice-war ever fought ended. I'm referring, of course, to the American Civil War, which effectively cleaved the then young country into two conveniently geographical sides; upper and lower America respectively. The result was a sort of geopolitical Venn Diagram, with each side filling their circle with opposite opinions on important political issues, save the opinion they shared and upon which the circles met; "let's fight about it!" The fighting commenced in 1861, at Fort Sumter in South Carolina, when the edgy Confederate Secessionists over-reacted to a Union Army prank, in which they had 20 warships full of pizzas delivered to the fort. The furious Confederate General had the ships sunk, thus establishing the stereotype of the Rebs not being able to take a joke, one which still haunts our society today.

The bloody war continued on in much the same fashion, as Union huckster Gen. W.T. Sherman pulled the biggest prank ever, and soaked Gen. Stonewall Jackson's hand in warm water as he slept, then burned Atlanta to the ground. What a card!

But the war took its toll on the soldiers, and many went their separate ways, citing creative differnces. Gen. Ulysses Grant left the war to focus on his future bid for President, specifically raising money (which is where we get the modern usage of the term "grant"). Grant's absence made the war lose it lustre in the eyes of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee, who surrendered on this date in1865 and left to pursue his first love, science. It is rumored that an accident in his laboratory left him more machine than man, that machine being an orange Dodge.

Television's Greatest Minds Solve the Economic Crisis

In these times of Economic woe, it's understandable that Americans would look to a hero for answers. When times are tough, we need someone to guide us, someone who has been tested time and time again, and come out on top with wisdom to share. So where exactly can we find such a hero? Why, television, of course! So let us see how some of the great problem-solvers of TV-land would keep capitalism from devouring the earth like I do a feta cheese Omlette.

House M.D.- After initially misdiagnosing the crisis as poor fiscal policy, House goes home, swallows a handful of Vicodin, plops down on his bed, and stares out the window. Upon doing this, he sees two squirrels having squirrely relations and somehow comes to the conclusion that the problem is one of regulation and the risk proliferation of an unbridled marketplace. He then confronts congress, where he is met with skepticism, but somehow overcomes this by making snide remarks about the Senators' personal lives and giving them slightly degrading nicknames. Then, by simply giving everyone 5 dollars, he ends the recession, but still seems mildly irritated.

MacGuyver - At the 11th hour, right before the Treasury is about to inexplicably explode, MacGuyver goes before a Senate Subcommitee and requests a stick of gum, a pencil, and Congresswoman Barbara Boxer. He proceeds to the Washington Monument and reappears in 5 minutes, diving to the ground, as the monument explodes. The Dow climbs 3,000 points and MacGuyver reminds everyone to say no to drugs.

Danny Tanner- Danny sits the heads of the major commercial banks down on a racecar bed and explains to them in oversimplified terms why cheating is wrong. The bankers are confused for a second as he kisses them on the foreheads and makes a crack about Jessie's hair. The market rebounds and everyone simultaneously says "aaawwwwwww".

The Fonz- With a determined look on his face, Mr. Fonzarelli emerges from his "office" and proceeds to Wall Street. Once there, he whacks the side of the NYSE building, which prompts it to start working correctly again. America is then told to sit on it.

News From the Outernet

Well, kids, in as strange a world as this one, it's hard to navigate the digital web of information without tripping on its sticky threads. So that's why I have decided to lay out some of the blogs you probably wouldn't stumble across while taking the normal cyber-routes. Consider me your Cyber Robert Frost on the e-path less traveled.

Passed Tents: A blog combining the worlds of Native American dwellings and grammar. Good reading from the Great Spirit!

Throne Away: Every Sunday, this blog's author goes through the Queen's trash. Secrets that are literally dirty!

Thyme-cop: One man's journey to police the freshness of the world's most misunderstood herb.

McQueen's English: Your basic lessons in sentence structure and punctuation, as dictated by Hollywood's favorite badass!

MT-V: The first and only video blog devoted to America's least populous state. Those plains are Great indeed!

Gnomenclature: Not sure about the scientific name for a spieces of cuddly mythical creatures? There's a blog for that!

Blogmenistan: The newest former Soviet republic that's actually located in cyberspace. It shares a border with Google and moviefone.com.

You Gettin' This, Camera Guy?!

Problem: You have too many clichés in your life.

Solution: Cliché-be-gone!

Tired of being fed little pearls of wisdom of seemingly unknowable origin and relevance? Me too. That’s why you need cliché-be-gone. Yes, if pronounced quickly it sounds like a lyric from an Irish folk song, but when used on those worthless turns of phrase, it’s a life saver. Get your tongue back from the cat, who will then be forced back into the bag. It’s amazing! It cleans up spilt beans. Blammo! Make easy work of counting AND hatching! Wowza! Thought that old dog would never learn? With cliché-be-gone, you’ll have him doing new tricks in no time! Zim-zam! Get blood from a stone, look a gift-horse anywhere, ANYWHERE, and be amazed as lighting strikes the same place not once, not twice, but three or more times! You have to see it to believe it! Here are some testimonials:

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Hello Interweb!