We're Gonna Need A Bigger Internet!

Well, they won't call me crazy now, will they? According to the Times of London, there is not going to be enough internet to go around by about 2012. I guess the Mayans were right, as they clearly wrote (or "inscribed") about this type of mayhem on their stone blogs. One could think that this problem could be solved by making more internet, but it's not that easy. You see for years, the good folks at the Joint Internet Research Collaboration Office (JIRCOff, for short) have warned us of this very problem. As Senator Ted Stevens, who was recently named the Cheif of JIRCOff operations, warned us, the tubes that comprise the internet are getting jammed. Each persons internet is now tangled in many other people's internets, thus making it less of a net and more of a web. This World Wide Web (or WoWiWe, as the Chinese call it) is now a trap for all sorts of information, and it's getting denser ever day. So, whereas you used to be able to get your pornography in a matter of seconds, it may soon take a matter of minutes.

The government is not overlooking this problem, and has assembled the Web-Associated New Knowledge Engineering Research Squad (W.A.N.K.E.R.S, for short). This squad will work closely with JIRCOff, but independently of it, in order to gather more information from more areas of the private sector. In order to do this, the Senate voted almost unanimously to allow bids from private consulting and tech companies to assemble the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. An amalgam of executives and consultants formed the Bandwidth Allocation Limited Liability Subcommittee and Corporation (B.A.L.L.S.A.C.), which is now approved to handle the task at hand.

In the past few months, however, the W.A.N.K.E.R.S. have not produced much, and Congress has begun to put pressure on the B.A.L.L.S, calling for more concrete output. A head researcher from the Subcommittee (wishes to remain anonymous), claims that the expectation placed on them were unfair, and recent demands have caused friction. "I'm not saying that we're doing the best work we can," says the researcher, "but this newest batch of criticisms has really rubbed the B.A.L.L.S the wrong way."

With this kind of bureaucracy going on, it's no wonder that a solution is not any closer. That's why the Web Applications Domain (W.A.D) was created by some rogue opensource software engineers. It has already made its mark in this debate from all corners of the cyber-globe, prompting outrage from the J.I.R.C.Off. "The W.A.D. has made a huge mess of things, and though they claim they're doing necessary work, they've really just created an ugly spot on this reasearch landscape!" An unofficial source from the Net Neutrality Network exlclaimed.

But with so many parties attacking one another, why aren't they attacking the problem. David H., who used to work for B.A.L.L.S. (his name has been changed per his request), has his own ideas on the ongoing battle. " Listen, without the B.A.L.L.S., there would be no W.A.D., and I have a lot of sources with pretty convincing evidence that the initiation of the J.I.R.C.Off led to the W.A.D. "

The more you look at it, the more complex the problem becomes, kind of like a bureaucratic Magic Eye. But one thing is for sure, with all this interplay involving the B.A.L.L.S, J.I.R.C.Off, and the W.A.D, it's hard to imagine anyone penetrating this particular problem.

NOTE: This piece of "journalism" is neither endorsed nor acknowledged by the author of this blog. It may or may not exist, and may or not be intended as humor.