Celebrating the End of Our Nation's Cleavage

Today marks a great day in the history of the United State of America (or as us natives pronounce it, Uh-Merica, or 'Merca for short). It was on this day 144 years ago that the bloodiest and most expensive practice-war ever fought ended. I'm referring, of course, to the American Civil War, which effectively cleaved the then young country into two conveniently geographical sides; upper and lower America respectively. The result was a sort of geopolitical Venn Diagram, with each side filling their circle with opposite opinions on important political issues, save the opinion they shared and upon which the circles met; "let's fight about it!" The fighting commenced in 1861, at Fort Sumter in South Carolina, when the edgy Confederate Secessionists over-reacted to a Union Army prank, in which they had 20 warships full of pizzas delivered to the fort. The furious Confederate General had the ships sunk, thus establishing the stereotype of the Rebs not being able to take a joke, one which still haunts our society today.

The bloody war continued on in much the same fashion, as Union huckster Gen. W.T. Sherman pulled the biggest prank ever, and soaked Gen. Stonewall Jackson's hand in warm water as he slept, then burned Atlanta to the ground. What a card!

But the war took its toll on the soldiers, and many went their separate ways, citing creative differnces. Gen. Ulysses Grant left the war to focus on his future bid for President, specifically raising money (which is where we get the modern usage of the term "grant"). Grant's absence made the war lose it lustre in the eyes of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee, who surrendered on this date in1865 and left to pursue his first love, science. It is rumored that an accident in his laboratory left him more machine than man, that machine being an orange Dodge.