A Brief Guide to Sworkin'

Folks, I don't know how many of you can sympathize with this situation, but I've got this thing - you may have heard people talk about it - called a "job". Now, at this "job", they have me do this thing called "work". This term is very vague and I am still confused, after about 10 years of supposedly doing it, as to what it entails. But, being the ingenious guy that I am, I decided that I'd one-up my supervisors and tweak this "work" notion so as to make it a bit more efficient (and by efficient, I mean "more conducive to surfing the interweb and reading"). Thus, I have invented a newer form of this concept, which I call "Sworking". Sworking is like a hybrid form of Slacking and Working. It's really just an "update" on the old working concept, Work2.o, if you will. And if my market research and focus grouping has taught me anything, it's that updates and hybrids are in, in, IN!!!

So, with this new concept in tow, her is the official S.O.M.B.Wi.S guide to sworkin'!

Preliminaries

First up, in order to do something this serious properly, you'll need to prepare. Like fighting in a duel, you must prepare mentally for the task at hand. Preparation for Sworking should consist mainly of sleeping. Any sleep that you can get past noon will only give you an advantage. Before you head off to "swork", get a good pre-swork meal in your stomach. This should consist of coffee (if it's hot, a Red Bull will do) and a Boston Creme (Kreme, if you're at Dunkin' Donuts) donut. Basically anything baked or fried that is filled with another type of thing is what you're going to want to look for; density is important.

Secondly, you'll need some tools to aid you in avoiding work. Once you're actually at work, and there are worky things to do all around you, it becomes a challenge to swork properly. It is much like that level in the Nintendo game "The Karate Kid", where a huge metal pendulum is swinging at you and you have to dodge it. So, that analogy being made, I suggest a tool like a book or the internet (if you have it on your phone, even better--this way you can quickly look as if you're working if someone were to enter your general area.) The internet is truly the best place to dispose of that extra work ethic you happen to have, and since work ethic is biodegradable, you don't have to worry about your carbon footprint!

Get to Sworkin'!

Once you have the tools and the right environment, you merely have to find a comfortable leaning position and start to get paid for doing very little. Now, I don't want people reading this to get the wrong impression. Sworking is NOT about not doing any work--that would be slacking or being lazy. No, when you are sworking, you are doing work, but just enough to get by. You're walking the fine line between working and totally slacking. You're blazing new territory! You're testing the boundaries, pushing the envelope! Scaredy-cats need not apply!

Well, don't just stand there, get to swork!

Life Advice: So, You're in the Liberal Arts!

Choosing a college major is hard stuff. Ostensibly, this choice will divert the path of your life in the direction it will take you until death. In reality, this is just a decision that could make a difference or just be another Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb choice. But fear not, young people! I have been through this 4-year obstacle course called college, and thus I not only feel superior enough to give you advice, but I also have a certified degree telling me as much! So, let’s expand of the illusory camaraderie that college seems to breed, and have a rap session about choosing a major!
So you’re in college, you’re not the “go-getter” type to do business or accounting (read: you don’t want to have to “dress up” or tie a tie to get paid), and you’re either working on a screenplay, or think it would be cool to backpack through Europe for a summer. Well you, my friend, are a liberal arts major! Technically, it’s “liberal arts & sciences”, which is an add-on to make it seem more legitimate, but don’t be fooled; LA&S is the ultimate “hang-out” school under which to pick a major. But picking LA&S is only the first step, you also have to pick an actual major under that heading! Fear not, for I can help here as well.

Kids (pretend I perched myself backwards on a chair and put on a sincere face), looking at a list of Liberal Arts majors can be confusing and taxing. Every major sounds great, and the description is written to sound like it will enrich your life and lead to enlightenment and a great career. But sadly, just like advertisements, they are misleading in the worst way. So herein I have included a list of the more popular majors in Liberal Arts with explanations of what they involve. Feel free to use it wherever applicable.

Anthropology – Did you like Dinosaurs as a kid? Do you believe in evolution? Do you love sand….everywhere, all the time? Well, so did Anthropologists, until they took Anthropology as a major. This field is home to the subcategories of Archaeology and Paleantology, but as an undergrad, you’ll be doing little more than learning about the history of sagittal crest sizes in homo habilis, and learning peripheral aspects of Chomsky’s revolutionary theory of language. It’s the kind of major where people who hear about it are impressed, but for those on the inside, it’s a lot of digging and no bones.

Communications – This catch-all major includes anything which could lead to you living in L.A. to really “break through”. Film, Journalism, “media studies” (people who don’t look good enough to be on TV, but would like to bitch about it), broadcasting, etc. If Rush Limbaugh calls it a “liberal institution”, you can find it here.

Economics – Your socks don’t match. You have facial hair, not because it’s cool, but because you just don’t want to shave. You’ve always liked blazers and suit jackets. You have an unexplainable urge to always have a pencil with you. Where can you go? Well, turns out that the entire major of Economics was built for folks just like you. You will learn how great numbers are, especially with letters tacked on, that any decision is ultimately part of a utility calculus, and that Ricky was not the only Ricardo to have a huge impact on Western thought. Get out your graph paper!

English – Business is soulless, advertising and media is too main-stream, you hate math (or at least the ACT told you that you should), and the idea of teaching overseas in Asia for a year or two after college is the bee’s knees. Look no further than English. You can speak and read our language, you’re halfway there! Just get through all the Jane Austen, start listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor!, and you’ll have a B.A. in no time! Then you can really find yourself.

Geography – No one really knows what actually goes on here. If you need a place to hide out from your counselor as you approach your junior year, this major sounds serious enough to appease him/her, but anything you tell him/her about what you’re doing will be plausible.

History – This major, no matter where you go, is a who’s who of radical ex-hippies/early Dylan aficionados. You will see pipes, ponytails on guys, hemp-derived clothing, etc. If they are a college professor and a member of your local whole-food co-op, you can most likely find them in the halls of the History department. This major is a good way to practice the fine art of gossip and scandal talk, but without having to refer to pop culture of the current day, just really old pop culture. If nothing else, you can arm yourself with a million “did you know”s for the next cocktail party. Bonus: robber barons!!

Mathematics – You might think that math is pretty cut and dry. You might think that there are rules and that you need only learn them and follow them. You wonder what all the hullabaloo is about. Well, it seems like the only people who know less about math than the lay person is a mathematician. Consider math the gymnastics of academia. No one is quite sure how it is that one becomes that good with numbers and variables, but it’s fun to watch. Also, like gymnasts, mathematicians are considered “washed-up” at 30 years old, and are recycled into convenient pouches of food for other, newer prodigies.

Philosophy – I can tell you with all seriousness that if you want to truly confuse someone during small talk, Philosophy is the way to go. People will ask you “what is your major?” and you will tell them “Philosophy”. The common reaction is as follows: person cocks their head to the side and says “oooooh, what’s that like?”. Beware. They don’t want to hear the answer. For most people, Philosophy is like magic, it’s really impressive and mysterious until you know how it’s done. After that, it’s just as boring as anything else. But, if you really want to narrow your job prospects to the least amount of related possibilities, this major is for you.
Insider trick: Rene Descartes, not a woman. You’re welcome.

Psychology – Among the major that everyone flocks to when they’re not quite sure yet, Psychology is #2 in the collection of unsure hangers-on (we’ll get to #1 in a minute). Everyone thinks they know a lot about psychology either because of Dr. Phil or Lorraine Bracco from “The Sopranos”. Furthermore, everyone has heard of Freud. Therefore, Psychology seems easy. You will encounter a lot of people here who really like to play bags, have “ridden the rail” at the local University themed bar, or will try to convince you that Frats and Sororities are actually “Public Service Organizations”.

The Sciences – I am lumping all of the sciences here because that’s the way that Liberal Arts majors see it, and I’m just trying to prepare you. Biology, Chemistry, Geology, and Physics are real sciences with real data and have no business invading on the turf of ideas and abstraction that is Liberal Arts. However, they draw in most of the funding, and have really neat tools and devices. If you’re a scientist, you really don’t need help here, you know what goes on.

Sociology – Ahh, the ultimate hang-out major. Consider Sociology the floor that the elevator rests on while it waits for people to get on and pick a destination. Perhaps think of it as a rest stop, which is more apt a metaphor, as you’ll find just as much discreet sexual depravity amongst inhabitants and the same varying population. You’ll want to know some terms like “beer-bong”, “naked twister”, “key party”, and “Durkheim”. Those should get you through at least a year as a Soc. Major. If you manage to keep this major and graduate with it, you have several career options open. However, most of those job opportunities involve helping people or “urban planning”, neither of which are reasons why you chose the major in the first place. This is probably because instead of just admitting that it's a hang-out major, Sociologists just kind of take on a little bit of everything that has anything to do with society. This way, instead of being accused of doing nothing at all, sociologists can only be accused of a lazier form of polymathy. But as Pythagoras once said "nobody likes a know-it-all, they much prefer a know-a-little-something-about-everything". You can often identify a school's sociology building by the motto it has posted above the entrance: "Sociology: too little theory to be thorough, not enough statistics to be useful".

I hope this both a) proved useful to you and b) offended everyone in the liberal arts separately. Have a good day!

Roller Coaster

I just want to warn anyone out there with an aversion to mushy feelings and, as Fred Savage so adequately called them in "The Princess Bride", kissing books. When I was a kid (read: about a year ago), I just didn't understand relationships. By this, I don't mean what every joke-depleted observarional stand-up comic means when he says that. I just couldn't find the idea of including someone new in my life, making them the biggest, most important part of my life, and rearranging everything else around this person. Also, I didn't particulary like the fact that this person, due to my totally unoriginal sexual orientation, had to be a woman. I felt about women something similar to what a Berkeley liberal arts grad feels about peyote; everyone else used it to see their spirit animal, you will have to as well, it sounds cool, but it scares the hell out of you.

But, unlike peyote, if you leave yourself open and operate sincerely, love (the good kind) will find you. Six months ago today, love found me, in the form of a ridiculously beautiful woman, whose blog "Dharma Drama" can be found on my sidebar. Sorry, young Fred Savage, this IS a kissing blog.

For those not in the know, love is awesome! It's basically like being on a really fast, loopy roller-coaster all the time, but when the ride ends, they run it in reverse to amplify the awesomeness. That's not a simile, that is exactly what love is. If you don't believe me,I believe that there is a song that says just as much. I talk a lot here about things that are awesome, and I want to make sure I give credit where it is due in that department. So I would like to thank Erin for getting on the ride with me (with a stomach full of Mexican food, to boot), and invite her to continue riding untill the park closes. Young Fred Savage, you can come too.

Things That Are Really Other Things

As I mentioned earlier, ladies and dudes, I'm an idea man. I deal with the abstract, the ephemeral, I've got my head in the aether, my hand on the pulse of all things esoteric. That's why I feel I have a duty to break down the facade that society puts up, the superfluous layers that can be confusing, but shouldn't. That's why I am pulling back the veils, so that you can see that there are things--complicated things--which are really other things--simpler things. Got everything? Good, let's get things rolling.

Cedit Cards: These pieces of platic with a flimsy magnetic strip on the back seem to wield quite a bit of power. To many, they are shrouded in mystery, but really, they are a simple thing. Having a credit card and using it to make a purchase is really just telling the store's proprietor; "hey, I don't have the currency to make this purchase, but I know a bunch of people that will pay you, and utilize a bureaucratic system of extortion to make sure I pay them back." Essentially, it's like having a rich friend who liberally picks up the check, but then hassles you all the time about it later.

Car Horns: There's truly no better way to tell someone "hey, fuck you, but only because we're both in vehicles that we can't jump out of to fight!" Also, the car horn is a way to alert your friend (and all of his neighbors) that you are too tired and enjoying your coffee too much to ring his doorbell, and that you're getting really concerned that you'll both be late for work.

Erasable Pens: If you are confused about how to alert someone that you are grown-up enough to use a pen, but not confident enough in your penmanship, look no further. The erasable pen provides the user with the smooth-writing of a rusty nail dipped in dried ink, and the ability to both half-erase lines and tear the paper at the same time.

Club Soda: Sure, you could have a soda, it's cheaper, it tastes better (well, it tastes like something, unlike club soda, which tastes like nothing with fizz added). But you're trying to send a message. You want people to know that you could be enjoying what you're drinking at the bar, but though you don't want alcohol, you want all the unpalatable sensations that the alcohol drinkers are experiencing. Perhaps it's also because you would just feel inauthentic if you gave a head-nod to Jim from accounting while raising a glass of something that's enjoyable to drink.

Bulk Grocery Membership: Let's face it, everybody loves being a member of an exclusive club, and the more exclusive it is, the better. But some people, on second thought, want to feel like they are in an exclusive club, but would feel bad if they knew that there was a strict discrimination clause that kept certain people out. Enter the Bulk Store membership. Sam's Club, Costco, and others have found that the more your shopping experience can mimic either a) getting into a hot nightclub or b) entering a classified government facility, the more you will want to go. Just give me a card with my name and perhaps picture on it, and demand that I flash said card in order to enter the "zone of bulk savings," and I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's good to know that all that exclusivity really includes anyone who has 30-50 dollars and a state ID.

Ankle socks: Truly, the ankle sock is the way to show everyone that you really don't appreciate the whole convention about wearing socks with shoes, but you'll appease society anyway. You're just doing the bare minimum to get by. To wear ankle socks is to get Cs all the way through college to please your parents so you can work at your dad's company. When someone sees you in ankle socks, they can see that you may abide by society's general rules, but you're gonna give 'em all sorts of shit about it!

Tornadoes and Conspiracies!

Folks, here at S.O.M.B.Wi.S., there is a recognized obligation to honor all things awesome as they pass by our collective consciousness. Two events have happened recently that ought to remind us all that there are still awesome things happening, even in this admittedly cynical age. The first event of which I speak is the recent launch of the VORTEX II project. The project is the latest attempt to study the formation of tornadoes by way of hurling objects into them. Reminder: You cannot deny the awesomeness of something that can put a car through a tree and scientists still have no idea why it shows up when it does. Some may claim that this coul also refer to ex-WWF superstar "The Ultimate Warrior," but recent studies have revealed Warrior-attributed tree impalements as mere conjecture (there still, however, are no appealing theories regarding the Warrior's appearance).

The second awesome event of late is the release of the new conspiri-action "flick" (an insider word for talking picture) "Angels & Demons". Stay with me here; I am not saying it will be a great film. This movie is merely awesome as a side effect of being about the Catholic Church's battle with the Illuminati. Here's a lesson kids; the bigger the conspiracy and or impending doom shaping the plot of a movie, the better. This brings us back to the first topic, tornadoes, or more broadly, ginormous natural disasters. Movies about huge, earth-destroying natural disasters, or impossibly grandiose localized natural disasters (see Armageddon and Twister, respectively) are guaranteed awesome--granted the special effects are right. The formula works for conspiracy movies in a similar way. The point to take away here: Reach for hyperbole. The bigger the disaster, the more over-arching and intricate the conspiracy, the better.

Idea Man

Folks, I'm an idea man. I don't mess around with concrete objects, manual labor, or hourly pay. I have a brain that's constantly filled with ideas, good ones, ones about things like what happens when you time travel and invent time travel earlier than it was actually invented. Obviously, you'd end up in a duel with alternate versions of yourself in which all versions of you kept traveling back in time to invent time travel earlier. It'd be a mess, I assure you, but that's neither here nor there (but at the same time, it's both here and there! Don't you see?!!!). Since I deal with ideas, and chose a totally career-unfriendly major (philosophy) in which to use this "talent", I find myself wrestling with the big questions all of the time (see above).

However, there are certain things that people think an "idea man" should know, certain things they should be able to, if not answer, at least have many thoughts about. One of these things, these "burning questions" is the now infamous "what is the meaning of life?". Well, I gotta say, I hate to disappoint, but that's probably the stupidest and most meaningless question I've ever heard. I've found that people really only ask this in 3 circumstances:

a) They ask me what I got my degree in, I answer, then they ask me the above question
b) The person asking is French and in their 20s
c) The person is taking Peyote with their friends and thinks they are going to have a deep, hallucinogen-fueled discussion.

There may be more specific occasions, but I assure you that they are merely derivatives of the above three. The thing to take away from this rant, before I officially launch into it, is that this question doesn't mean anything. Normally, if someone asks you a question, even if you don't know the answer, you at least know how you would answer it if you knew the information they were requesting. For instance. If someone asked me who played the President of the United States in the classic aliens-attack-earth-and-Randy-Quaid-saves-humanity- film "Independence Day," even if I didn't know Bill Pullman's name or didn't know anything about the movie, I could at least know the form that a satisfying answer would have. But the "big question" does not meet this criteria. There is no satisfying answer format that anyone can think of. Try it, I'll wait. Those who are smart-asses, like myself, probably said "well, if they're asking the meaning of life, a dictionary entry for the word will suffice". True, I have answered people in that way, and they are not satisfied, which showed me that they either a) are prejudiced against Merrian Webster or b) were not asking for the definition of the word "life".

Really, it boils down to this: being alive, then asking what is the meaning of life is like receiving a chemistry set for Christmas and asking "so, what am I supposed to do with this?". Furthermore, people who ask the even more irritating "why are we here?" are basically doing the same thing as getting an awesome present from your friend, but asking why they got you a gift when it's not your birthday or anything. Just fucking enjoy the present and be happy you got it in the first place! I realize that at this point, I'm sounding kind of preachy, but I don't care. I don't think I blame people for asking these questions, though. They most likely heard other people ask them, and never bothered to think of how meaningless the question is. It's like when you hear that smart guy with the sportcoat (the one with the suede elbow pads on it) say "superfluous" at a cocktail party, and you think you got it by using the context, so you continue to use it, but not correctly. Ultimately, one day, you'll describe the pizza you just ate as superfluous, and someone will inform you that you might not know what it means. At that point, it is your job to inform others using words incorrectly to cease and desist. In the same way, take the initiative and let people know how silly their question about the meaning of life is.

Remember, there are a lot of things in Monty Python movies that don't warrant your intense investigation, the "meaning of life" is one of them.

My Hand on the Heartbeat of Fashion

Having an awesome blog affords you all sorts of cool opportunities. I recently, and after a great amount of effort, got to sit down with the guy who decides what is "cool". This is not the same guy who decides which things are popular, just which things that the guy wearing a USA #1 t-shirt ironically, and reading Chomsky will tell you are cool. Here's part of my interview:

Mikeosaurus: Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

Decider: Oh, no sweat, interviews are in anyway.

M: Sweet!

D: Don't get too excited, interviewers are out.

M: Bummer. Anyway, so what's newly cool, what just got cred?

D: I just gave the go-ahead on the Shamwow guy being cool to talk about. It was a tough call, but I feel like I made the right choice.

M: Well, I certainly can't argue with that. Speaking of tough calls, why Transformers instead of Gobots? If you're going for retro ironic nostalgia, why not go all the way?

D: Good question. That was a tough call, and you can see that in my verdict on Vanilla Ice as opposes to Snow. I think that the Gobots, like Snow, were to self-aware the first time around for us to be ironic about now.

M: You might be right. Does that mean that when the time comes, Volcano will beat out Dante's Peak?

D: Oooh, I don't know, neither of those caught on more than the others, so we'll see.

M: Fair enough. PBR, can old Wisconsinians still drink it, or is it reserved for, say, an Of Montreal show?

D: It's funny that you mention that, because I was in Wisconsin recently, making the old Bucks jerseys cool again. I wouldn't be exclusive in that way on purpose, but once I put the stamp on something, the dudes with the ironic trucker hats make the calls. It's a lot like religion in that way. You can only tell people the message, but ultimately, it's their job to totally misinterpret it or purposely ruin it for their own ends.

M: Yeah, that must sting a little. But onwards. I've noticed recently that the same people who seem to be the first to pick up on the trends you set are all walking around advertising Public Radio as a lifestyle, but when you talk to them, they don't even know what "Morning Edition" is. Did you make Public Radio part of cool without the listening aspect on purpose, or was that accidental?

D: Well, that's the same thing that happened with "going green", fitness, and social justice issues. I made the mistake of saying "okay, these things are hip", but I underestimated hipsters' ability to act as if they do things, while merely embracing the concept of something. I probably should've found a way to fix that, but there's just some loss in the translation, I think.

M: No biggie, it's just good to have the clarification. I do have one burning question about your practice as a whole, a kind of methodological question, if you will.

D: Oh, by all means...

M: Well, since about 1998 or so, give or take a few years, there's been this kind of retro/nostalgia/irony thing happening. First it was bell bottoms and ponchos, then the 80s came back, and people are still faux-excited about key-tars and "The Goonies". It seems that every decade from the 20th centuries can be found all in one outfit that a girl is wearing to an Arcade Fire show. Even the 90s are becoming retro-hip. Where do you go from here? It seems that retro-hip caught up with current times.

D: Mhm. Believe me, friend, not a day goes by that I don't think of that. It's a problem, to be sure. But I think what will ultimately end up happening is something I've been throwing around the office....it's called a lob-back. It's like a throwback, which we're seeing now, but just longer. It's like a depression compared to a recession. I'm talking chicks in bloomers, dudes in top-hats, pantaloons, kinckers, shoes with buckles, high stockings, togas and olive-leafs. Just going back until there's new hipsters and they forgot that the old generation was ironic about flappers. Maybe then people will be wearing Kikwears and Jncos again and blaring Limp Bizkit at parties, getting as pumped about them as people get about Styx now.

M: Wow. It's a shame I won't be around to see that. Thanks for sharing, that seems almost like a magician divulging the methods to his tricks.

D: No, I still have the real tricks to myself. There'll always be another "Pants-off Dance-off" in the vault [editor's note: a "Pants-off Dance-off" is a name for something that is famous and popular, sometimes ironically, but no one knows why].

M: Man, I look forward to more of those! Anyway, it was great talking to you, I really appreciate it.

D: Oh, no problem at all. It's good we're ending this, interviews are out now.

M: Ouch! I just made it. Boy, fashion is fickle for us hipsters! Perhaps we can meet again, when it's retro-ironic-cool to do interviews?

D: Absolutely.

Ever More Awesome

Western civilization was built upon, and could thus be summed up by one simple maxim; "ever more awesome". Simple, yes, but not easy. You see, wars were waged, lands were conquered, and innovations were made--all to be more awesome. But what does this mean? How does one know if they are awesome? What attributes are found in those who are awesome? These questions are all, in a way, heading in the wrong direction. There is no set of attributes or properties that, when assembled, bestow awesomeness upon something or someone. It is much like Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said of obscenity: "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it". Similarly, when I see something that is awesome, I know it, furthermore, someone else who sees it knows as well. This kind of silent unanimity is what does all the talking about what is awesome. Simply put, it's a kind of intuition that we have, as members of a society, as people aware of our place in history and our generation.

That being said, being awesome is not accidental. Though one may not be able to explain to you why something is awesome, one can certainly take steps to be more awesome. Part of these steps are strides toward being genuine, being sincere. When a person is doing something wholeheartedly and with excitement, those things show outwardly. Whatever they are doing is often done much more impressively, and the person themselves captures the attention of those who are paying attention. Alexander the Great (who could possibly be also called Alexander the Awesome), in his trip across half the globe, had the sincere belief of a united world. He may not have been awesome in the way that we see more non-offensive people as awesome, but he may have just been part of an evolution in awesomeness. Another part of being awesome is a general feeling of goodwill, a kind of looking to everyone and saying "come, enjoy this, for it is truly great". This is part and parcel with sincerity, but more of an extension of it. It is the realization of happiness in what one is doing, and a wish to give everyone that joy. Simply put; maximum fun, all around!

Friends, it is not often that my posts take this serious a turn, but I feel it necessary as we attempt to build the legacy of this new century, our legacy. I wake every day, and sometimes I do not wish to go anywhere or do anything. Sometimes I get lost and I lose hope for a minute. But nearly every day, I see something awesome, I see someone who really is being awesome, and I am inspired and reminded of what I ought to do. What I am talking about is not being great for the sake of your ego, or for the sake of being remembered, it is rebuilding the world, just more awesomely! Your fellow humans need you more than you think. They rely upon others to inspire them, inform them, revitalize them, and so much more. Being awesome is doing all of the above. Let us build this new age, our age. Let us open our hearts like masts and catch the wind of today to push us into tomorrow. Let us move forward, toward the future built on the bricks that we carry today. Let us push onward, ever more awesome!