Things That Are Really Other Things

As I mentioned earlier, ladies and dudes, I'm an idea man. I deal with the abstract, the ephemeral, I've got my head in the aether, my hand on the pulse of all things esoteric. That's why I feel I have a duty to break down the facade that society puts up, the superfluous layers that can be confusing, but shouldn't. That's why I am pulling back the veils, so that you can see that there are things--complicated things--which are really other things--simpler things. Got everything? Good, let's get things rolling.

Cedit Cards: These pieces of platic with a flimsy magnetic strip on the back seem to wield quite a bit of power. To many, they are shrouded in mystery, but really, they are a simple thing. Having a credit card and using it to make a purchase is really just telling the store's proprietor; "hey, I don't have the currency to make this purchase, but I know a bunch of people that will pay you, and utilize a bureaucratic system of extortion to make sure I pay them back." Essentially, it's like having a rich friend who liberally picks up the check, but then hassles you all the time about it later.

Car Horns: There's truly no better way to tell someone "hey, fuck you, but only because we're both in vehicles that we can't jump out of to fight!" Also, the car horn is a way to alert your friend (and all of his neighbors) that you are too tired and enjoying your coffee too much to ring his doorbell, and that you're getting really concerned that you'll both be late for work.

Erasable Pens: If you are confused about how to alert someone that you are grown-up enough to use a pen, but not confident enough in your penmanship, look no further. The erasable pen provides the user with the smooth-writing of a rusty nail dipped in dried ink, and the ability to both half-erase lines and tear the paper at the same time.

Club Soda: Sure, you could have a soda, it's cheaper, it tastes better (well, it tastes like something, unlike club soda, which tastes like nothing with fizz added). But you're trying to send a message. You want people to know that you could be enjoying what you're drinking at the bar, but though you don't want alcohol, you want all the unpalatable sensations that the alcohol drinkers are experiencing. Perhaps it's also because you would just feel inauthentic if you gave a head-nod to Jim from accounting while raising a glass of something that's enjoyable to drink.

Bulk Grocery Membership: Let's face it, everybody loves being a member of an exclusive club, and the more exclusive it is, the better. But some people, on second thought, want to feel like they are in an exclusive club, but would feel bad if they knew that there was a strict discrimination clause that kept certain people out. Enter the Bulk Store membership. Sam's Club, Costco, and others have found that the more your shopping experience can mimic either a) getting into a hot nightclub or b) entering a classified government facility, the more you will want to go. Just give me a card with my name and perhaps picture on it, and demand that I flash said card in order to enter the "zone of bulk savings," and I'm happy. But at the end of the day, it's good to know that all that exclusivity really includes anyone who has 30-50 dollars and a state ID.

Ankle socks: Truly, the ankle sock is the way to show everyone that you really don't appreciate the whole convention about wearing socks with shoes, but you'll appease society anyway. You're just doing the bare minimum to get by. To wear ankle socks is to get Cs all the way through college to please your parents so you can work at your dad's company. When someone sees you in ankle socks, they can see that you may abide by society's general rules, but you're gonna give 'em all sorts of shit about it!