My Hand on the Heartbeat of Fashion

Having an awesome blog affords you all sorts of cool opportunities. I recently, and after a great amount of effort, got to sit down with the guy who decides what is "cool". This is not the same guy who decides which things are popular, just which things that the guy wearing a USA #1 t-shirt ironically, and reading Chomsky will tell you are cool. Here's part of my interview:

Mikeosaurus: Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

Decider: Oh, no sweat, interviews are in anyway.

M: Sweet!

D: Don't get too excited, interviewers are out.

M: Bummer. Anyway, so what's newly cool, what just got cred?

D: I just gave the go-ahead on the Shamwow guy being cool to talk about. It was a tough call, but I feel like I made the right choice.

M: Well, I certainly can't argue with that. Speaking of tough calls, why Transformers instead of Gobots? If you're going for retro ironic nostalgia, why not go all the way?

D: Good question. That was a tough call, and you can see that in my verdict on Vanilla Ice as opposes to Snow. I think that the Gobots, like Snow, were to self-aware the first time around for us to be ironic about now.

M: You might be right. Does that mean that when the time comes, Volcano will beat out Dante's Peak?

D: Oooh, I don't know, neither of those caught on more than the others, so we'll see.

M: Fair enough. PBR, can old Wisconsinians still drink it, or is it reserved for, say, an Of Montreal show?

D: It's funny that you mention that, because I was in Wisconsin recently, making the old Bucks jerseys cool again. I wouldn't be exclusive in that way on purpose, but once I put the stamp on something, the dudes with the ironic trucker hats make the calls. It's a lot like religion in that way. You can only tell people the message, but ultimately, it's their job to totally misinterpret it or purposely ruin it for their own ends.

M: Yeah, that must sting a little. But onwards. I've noticed recently that the same people who seem to be the first to pick up on the trends you set are all walking around advertising Public Radio as a lifestyle, but when you talk to them, they don't even know what "Morning Edition" is. Did you make Public Radio part of cool without the listening aspect on purpose, or was that accidental?

D: Well, that's the same thing that happened with "going green", fitness, and social justice issues. I made the mistake of saying "okay, these things are hip", but I underestimated hipsters' ability to act as if they do things, while merely embracing the concept of something. I probably should've found a way to fix that, but there's just some loss in the translation, I think.

M: No biggie, it's just good to have the clarification. I do have one burning question about your practice as a whole, a kind of methodological question, if you will.

D: Oh, by all means...

M: Well, since about 1998 or so, give or take a few years, there's been this kind of retro/nostalgia/irony thing happening. First it was bell bottoms and ponchos, then the 80s came back, and people are still faux-excited about key-tars and "The Goonies". It seems that every decade from the 20th centuries can be found all in one outfit that a girl is wearing to an Arcade Fire show. Even the 90s are becoming retro-hip. Where do you go from here? It seems that retro-hip caught up with current times.

D: Mhm. Believe me, friend, not a day goes by that I don't think of that. It's a problem, to be sure. But I think what will ultimately end up happening is something I've been throwing around the office....it's called a lob-back. It's like a throwback, which we're seeing now, but just longer. It's like a depression compared to a recession. I'm talking chicks in bloomers, dudes in top-hats, pantaloons, kinckers, shoes with buckles, high stockings, togas and olive-leafs. Just going back until there's new hipsters and they forgot that the old generation was ironic about flappers. Maybe then people will be wearing Kikwears and Jncos again and blaring Limp Bizkit at parties, getting as pumped about them as people get about Styx now.

M: Wow. It's a shame I won't be around to see that. Thanks for sharing, that seems almost like a magician divulging the methods to his tricks.

D: No, I still have the real tricks to myself. There'll always be another "Pants-off Dance-off" in the vault [editor's note: a "Pants-off Dance-off" is a name for something that is famous and popular, sometimes ironically, but no one knows why].

M: Man, I look forward to more of those! Anyway, it was great talking to you, I really appreciate it.

D: Oh, no problem at all. It's good we're ending this, interviews are out now.

M: Ouch! I just made it. Boy, fashion is fickle for us hipsters! Perhaps we can meet again, when it's retro-ironic-cool to do interviews?

D: Absolutely.