Life Advice: So, You're in the Liberal Arts!

Choosing a college major is hard stuff. Ostensibly, this choice will divert the path of your life in the direction it will take you until death. In reality, this is just a decision that could make a difference or just be another Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb choice. But fear not, young people! I have been through this 4-year obstacle course called college, and thus I not only feel superior enough to give you advice, but I also have a certified degree telling me as much! So, let’s expand of the illusory camaraderie that college seems to breed, and have a rap session about choosing a major!
So you’re in college, you’re not the “go-getter” type to do business or accounting (read: you don’t want to have to “dress up” or tie a tie to get paid), and you’re either working on a screenplay, or think it would be cool to backpack through Europe for a summer. Well you, my friend, are a liberal arts major! Technically, it’s “liberal arts & sciences”, which is an add-on to make it seem more legitimate, but don’t be fooled; LA&S is the ultimate “hang-out” school under which to pick a major. But picking LA&S is only the first step, you also have to pick an actual major under that heading! Fear not, for I can help here as well.

Kids (pretend I perched myself backwards on a chair and put on a sincere face), looking at a list of Liberal Arts majors can be confusing and taxing. Every major sounds great, and the description is written to sound like it will enrich your life and lead to enlightenment and a great career. But sadly, just like advertisements, they are misleading in the worst way. So herein I have included a list of the more popular majors in Liberal Arts with explanations of what they involve. Feel free to use it wherever applicable.

Anthropology – Did you like Dinosaurs as a kid? Do you believe in evolution? Do you love sand….everywhere, all the time? Well, so did Anthropologists, until they took Anthropology as a major. This field is home to the subcategories of Archaeology and Paleantology, but as an undergrad, you’ll be doing little more than learning about the history of sagittal crest sizes in homo habilis, and learning peripheral aspects of Chomsky’s revolutionary theory of language. It’s the kind of major where people who hear about it are impressed, but for those on the inside, it’s a lot of digging and no bones.

Communications – This catch-all major includes anything which could lead to you living in L.A. to really “break through”. Film, Journalism, “media studies” (people who don’t look good enough to be on TV, but would like to bitch about it), broadcasting, etc. If Rush Limbaugh calls it a “liberal institution”, you can find it here.

Economics – Your socks don’t match. You have facial hair, not because it’s cool, but because you just don’t want to shave. You’ve always liked blazers and suit jackets. You have an unexplainable urge to always have a pencil with you. Where can you go? Well, turns out that the entire major of Economics was built for folks just like you. You will learn how great numbers are, especially with letters tacked on, that any decision is ultimately part of a utility calculus, and that Ricky was not the only Ricardo to have a huge impact on Western thought. Get out your graph paper!

English – Business is soulless, advertising and media is too main-stream, you hate math (or at least the ACT told you that you should), and the idea of teaching overseas in Asia for a year or two after college is the bee’s knees. Look no further than English. You can speak and read our language, you’re halfway there! Just get through all the Jane Austen, start listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor!, and you’ll have a B.A. in no time! Then you can really find yourself.

Geography – No one really knows what actually goes on here. If you need a place to hide out from your counselor as you approach your junior year, this major sounds serious enough to appease him/her, but anything you tell him/her about what you’re doing will be plausible.

History – This major, no matter where you go, is a who’s who of radical ex-hippies/early Dylan aficionados. You will see pipes, ponytails on guys, hemp-derived clothing, etc. If they are a college professor and a member of your local whole-food co-op, you can most likely find them in the halls of the History department. This major is a good way to practice the fine art of gossip and scandal talk, but without having to refer to pop culture of the current day, just really old pop culture. If nothing else, you can arm yourself with a million “did you know”s for the next cocktail party. Bonus: robber barons!!

Mathematics – You might think that math is pretty cut and dry. You might think that there are rules and that you need only learn them and follow them. You wonder what all the hullabaloo is about. Well, it seems like the only people who know less about math than the lay person is a mathematician. Consider math the gymnastics of academia. No one is quite sure how it is that one becomes that good with numbers and variables, but it’s fun to watch. Also, like gymnasts, mathematicians are considered “washed-up” at 30 years old, and are recycled into convenient pouches of food for other, newer prodigies.

Philosophy – I can tell you with all seriousness that if you want to truly confuse someone during small talk, Philosophy is the way to go. People will ask you “what is your major?” and you will tell them “Philosophy”. The common reaction is as follows: person cocks their head to the side and says “oooooh, what’s that like?”. Beware. They don’t want to hear the answer. For most people, Philosophy is like magic, it’s really impressive and mysterious until you know how it’s done. After that, it’s just as boring as anything else. But, if you really want to narrow your job prospects to the least amount of related possibilities, this major is for you.
Insider trick: Rene Descartes, not a woman. You’re welcome.

Psychology – Among the major that everyone flocks to when they’re not quite sure yet, Psychology is #2 in the collection of unsure hangers-on (we’ll get to #1 in a minute). Everyone thinks they know a lot about psychology either because of Dr. Phil or Lorraine Bracco from “The Sopranos”. Furthermore, everyone has heard of Freud. Therefore, Psychology seems easy. You will encounter a lot of people here who really like to play bags, have “ridden the rail” at the local University themed bar, or will try to convince you that Frats and Sororities are actually “Public Service Organizations”.

The Sciences – I am lumping all of the sciences here because that’s the way that Liberal Arts majors see it, and I’m just trying to prepare you. Biology, Chemistry, Geology, and Physics are real sciences with real data and have no business invading on the turf of ideas and abstraction that is Liberal Arts. However, they draw in most of the funding, and have really neat tools and devices. If you’re a scientist, you really don’t need help here, you know what goes on.

Sociology – Ahh, the ultimate hang-out major. Consider Sociology the floor that the elevator rests on while it waits for people to get on and pick a destination. Perhaps think of it as a rest stop, which is more apt a metaphor, as you’ll find just as much discreet sexual depravity amongst inhabitants and the same varying population. You’ll want to know some terms like “beer-bong”, “naked twister”, “key party”, and “Durkheim”. Those should get you through at least a year as a Soc. Major. If you manage to keep this major and graduate with it, you have several career options open. However, most of those job opportunities involve helping people or “urban planning”, neither of which are reasons why you chose the major in the first place. This is probably because instead of just admitting that it's a hang-out major, Sociologists just kind of take on a little bit of everything that has anything to do with society. This way, instead of being accused of doing nothing at all, sociologists can only be accused of a lazier form of polymathy. But as Pythagoras once said "nobody likes a know-it-all, they much prefer a know-a-little-something-about-everything". You can often identify a school's sociology building by the motto it has posted above the entrance: "Sociology: too little theory to be thorough, not enough statistics to be useful".

I hope this both a) proved useful to you and b) offended everyone in the liberal arts separately. Have a good day!