The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide: How to Be a Gentleman

Folks, this blog is a lot of things. It's a website, it's a journal, it's an abstract entity, possibly identical to 1s and 0s in a server, possibly an irreducible abstract entity floating on the ephemera like a surfer on the waves of the ocean (whoooooa, maaaaan!). But more than anything, it's a place to get educated. Sure, there might be concerns of truthfulness, and I'll grant you that they may be valid. But I ask you this; since when does something need to be true in order for you to learn it? I know many things about the Loch Ness Monster and also about Oprah Winfrey, but we know that it's unlikely that either of those mythical beasts exist! So, stop worrying about truth functions, and start worrying about dinner functions, as I present The S.O.M.B.Wi.S. Guide to Being a Gentleman.

1) Adopt a Sobriquet
This Step is crucial. Having a normal name like "George" or "James" is not enough. One must have an esteemed nickname that gives people the impression of importance, then the importance itself will follow. So, if your name is Ben, for instance, a good sobriquet would be something like Ben the Devourer of Souls, or something along those lines. You get the idea.

2) Make an Entrance
As a gentleman, you have to be memorable, and part of being memorable, if not most of it, is making an entrance. There are a wide range of things you can do to make an effective entrance, so be imaginative, but be classy! Any expensive tools or special effects that you can incorporate, all the better! An example might be using smokebombs and flashbangs to create a loud and smoky atmosphere to cut through with, oh I don't know....your giant 12th century Cornish broadsword, for instance. There's nothing that says "you might want to look at me as I enter, I'm kind of important" quite like disorientating and confusing (while possibly deafening) the rest of the party. Other useful tools that can be mixed in and out of your routine include, but are not limited to: a cape (or cowl, if you so choose, but they're often reserved for yacht parties, as opposed to normal swanky indoor affairs), a gold crown complete with rare gemstones, a scepter, being carried in by muscular servants, lighting, a Mongol horde, etc.

3) Create Interest
This step is vital. You're not really a distinguished Gentleman unless people really want to talk to you and/or fondle you oh so gently. In order to make this happen, you're going to need to create interest in yourself. This is not the same as striking up a conversation, nay--you're going to need to be the conversation. And if your entrance was not enough to do this, have some "personal effects" to create you-centered conversation. Take out the money that you minted yourself, with a picture of you on it! Immediately lay claim to the bar as a peripheral fiefdom of your empire. Surely, at least the noblemen already laying claim to the snack table will have something to say to you then!

4) Pronunciate!
Okay, you might have some people talking to you, but you'll quickly lose them if you don't follow a vital rule of gentlemanliness; pronunciate! There's a certain way that gentleman speak, and you will be the first one labelled as a cad if you don't follow it. For instance, "labour", "colour", and "centre" are words you'll want to utilize. This is especially important when speaking, as a true gentleman will not read your writings himself, his loyal man-servant will do that, so if you misspell, the gentleman will be none the wiser. But a carefully trained ear can surely pick up the difference between "razor" and "razour".

5) Play it as it Lies.
This should be pretty self explanatory. Also, replace your divots.

6) Never Ask a Woman's Age or Weight
It's impolite to ask a lady how much she weighs or how old she is. However, if either topic comes up in conversation, it is perfectly acceptable for a gentleman to guess a woman's age or weight. In fact, if you do manage to guess either one or both, rules of etiquette demand that she give you a prize.....or intercourse (the rules are dated, but still generally followed).

7) Know When to Leave
A true gentleman will not wait until the party is winding down to leave. In fact, a true gentleman will not even wait until the conversation dies down to leave. To make sure that you're leaving at the top of the night, leave when the conversation is just getting good. Furthermore, leave in the middle of someone's sentence. Then not only will you effectively "go out on top", but you'll also be certain to leave a lasting impression.
Hint: Utilize smoke bombs or a trap door to leave can make your entrance even more abrupt and memorable. If a trap door is utilized, make sure to use a cushion below it. Nothing is more embarrassing than making a grand exit, only to shatter your ankle, thus giving away the location of the secret underground tunnel that you prepared just for this party.

This is not all there is to being a gentleman, but it is what I would call a crash course. It should get you acquainted with all of the basics of Gentlemanliness. A quick tip on dress. When wearing a tie to an event, the wider the tie knot and the thicker the tie, the better. It's nice to speak well of a party, but every gentleman knows that these events are really just a place to compare knot width. Go forth!