The Ontologist Is In

Whatever you do, wherever you live, whether you use Internet Explorer or Firefox (sidenote: remember Netscape?), there's one thing that you're doing for certain; existing. But what does that entail? Please, don't try to answer this kind of question on your own, that's why I'm here. You see, I am what's called an Ontologist. It's pronounced in a very similar way to Oncologist, and I'll gladly let people assume that I work to cure cancer, no problem. But while cancer may not be my game, I can help you with any trope-related question.

Let me break it down for you. Ontology is the study of what is. No, that's not an error of omission, it is correct. You might wonder why I didn't say "Ontology is the study of what exists", and to that I would respond by stressing the importance and wide, all-inclusive scope of what I do. You see, there are things (stay with me), and most of these things exist. Some of these things, however, do not exist. But some existants which exist are not things, but moreso abstract entities (or perhaps an entity is really a thing, in which case "things" would be something other than things, but NOT nothing). There are also groups of things, which may or may not be arbitrary, and therefore not really entities, and may or may not exist. As an Ontologist, it is my job to study these things (and non-things), and tell people about what is, and what isn't.

So, why does this make my job better than any other job? Glad you asked, let's examine:

Usually, in any given discipline or specialty, the practitioner gains knowledge of one particular area, a set of things, if you will. As an Ontologist, I study all sets of things. Hell, I can even tell you about sets that don't have things in them! My point here is that whereas most specialists have to know only information about certain kinds of things, I have to know information about all kinds of things. I am even responsible for explaining the existential status of information itself! I think at this point you get my drift.

But back to my original point; I know some stuff about things. I also know a thing or two about stuff. I have abstract knowledge about particulars and particular know-how when it comes to abstract objects. I deal in actual possibilities, possible actualities, necessary actualities, and necessary possibilities. This is to say, you can trust me with things (and stuff that isn't a thing). I know that sometimes you'll ask yourself if something's real, or if something is really a thing. That is why I'm here. Your nose; a thing. The moon; a thing. A unicorn; a possibly non-existent, possibly possible, non-actual, but nonetheless a thing. Let's say you want to know how many angels can fit on the end of a pin. Depending on what gauge it is, usually no less than the amount of unicorns presently living on Earth's non-existent second moon. Bam! Problem solved!

All I'm saying is consider me the Dear Abby of Ontological inquiries. I am hereby announcing my services as available to you, my loving public. I am the Web's official Ontologist, ready to let you know what's real, what's not, and what may or may not be a Chimera.