World, Give Me Your CO2!!!!!

Every once in a while, one of my passions intersects with a philanthropic enterprise, the scale of which stands to bring the world back from the brink of destruction. Now, admittedly, this has not happened many times, or maybe so far at all. However, recently, as my lady and I were driving back from 7-11's Free Slurpee Day (the magical day when you can shoplift from a convenience store and everyone's super-okay with it), this intersection happened on my cerebral highway.

You see, I've always wanted to save the world. I used to want to be Batman, and in doing so, would obviously be able to save the world by being one of the leading members of the JLA (the Justice League of America, need I spell everything out for you?). But as I grew up, I came to the realization that many people approaching adulthood do: Bizarro and Darkseid are not real threats to the planet Earth. But really, though I am 6'5", 210, and college-educated (I'll let that sink in, MacArthur Genius Grant Board of Trustees), not even I could defeat such massively powerful villains. However, there is a real entity threatening our planet. It is not other-worldly, it is not a powerful and malevolent super-being. Nay, that which threatens our earthly existence is less than a breath away.

To catch everyone up, there is this phenomenon (read: thing) happening to our planet called "Global Warming". In this "warming", the Earth's temperature is increasing, weather conditions are getting more violent and unpredictable, and Polar Bears' habitats are getting increasingly smaller. Now, my original hope was that the simplest explanation of such trends would be the right one, and this was the obvious work of a super-advanced "weather ray" constructed by Dr. Strange (Hugo Strange, of the DC Universe, not to be confused with Dr. Strange of the Marvel Universe, who was technically a sort of "good guy"). Sadly, I was mistaken, and thus found that the real culprit was of another nature. Folks, I'm talking about CO2, Carbon Dioxide, "the Big Fizz". But how can we fight against, or even hope to contain a threat so ever-present? How can we do anything about a dangerous gas that comes out of our mouth every time we breathe? Fear not, people, I have the answer.

Lately, I've developed a love for carbonated refreshments. I love soda. I love seltzer water, mineral water, club soda, hell, if it's sparkling, I'm drinking it. I even tried Tonic Water (it's bad, really bad, you heard it here first, thank me later). When it comes down to it, I want my beverages carbonated. The more fizz, the better it is (that rhymed on purpose, by the way). Let me tell you; lately, I've been downing bubbly beverages like they're going out of style. There's just something so joyful about drinking down liquid with tangy bubbles in it! By now, you should be on to what I'm suggesting. That's right, world, give me your CO2!! I will take one for the team. I will drink down the world's problems, one 20oz bottle at a time. Consider me your carbon dioxide receptacle, the sweeping broom to erase your carbon footprint. I've been doing more than my part for quite some time now. In fact, almost every beverage I enjoy in a day is carbonated. If I could find a way to siphon deadly CO2 out of the air and into my morning coffee, I would. Unfortunately, the gas cannot dissolve into hot liquids, which is why hot soda goes flat so easily (thanks, Bill Nye!). My point is, I may not help out at the homeless shelter, I may drive a car, spewing exhaust fumes into the air, sure, I may even special order hair spray with CFCs from foreign countries in which there is no ban on them like there is here. But I am doing something, world! I am taking our Ozone Layer's biggest threat and depositing it in my gullet. But you know what? I am loving every last drop of it. Drink up, to saving the world!