The Inside Scoop: Hot Hot Heat!

Ladies and Gentleman, I like to think of this blog as my megaphone straight into the life-advice center of your brain. I try to tell you, the blog audience (www.audience.com), things that are important to know. But not all of the golden nuggets of advice that I mine for you are from the cave of my own mind. Nay, some of these things are hot-off-the-press fresh from my own experience. Today's advice is just such a fresh slice from my mind-meat (sounds just dirty enough to get you interested, no?).

I recently moved in with a lady, more importantly, a lady who is not my mother. Furthermore, this lady is under the impression that I am, for some reason or another, attractive and charming (swear to me you won't tell her the truth). So far, for the past week, things have been great. I am allowed out of my cage for 2-3 hours at a time, I have a corner to "do my business" and toys to chew on. But recently, I noticed that deep within the depths of our walk-in closet, there is....another door!!! Now, naturally, having seen a certain film a few years ago, I theorized that perhaps this was a portal allowing me to experience life as John Malkovich. Needless to say, I was cautious, but curious nonetheless.

I decided to appease my curiosity and go exploring. After all, I lived here now, this was my door to explore as well, right?! So, I gathered some inspiration. I watched Geraldo Rivera's investigative uncovering of Al Capone's vault, I popped in an episode of Dora the Explorer, I watched the 1985 film "Explorers" (which may or may not be on a VHS tape in my parents' home). I packed what I would need to survive; a sandwich, some fruit snacks, vitamin tablets, a copy of Where the Wild Things Are, a flashlight, and a mini tape recorder. I then cautiously, but with all the courage I could muster, opened the foreboding door.

It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the light difference, but when they did, I found....a hot water heater. What follows is my interview with the heater, as transcribed from my tape recorder:

Mikeosaurus: Sir, could you tell me just what exactly it is that you do here, in my apartment?

Hot Water Heater: *bubble bubble* *whrrrrrrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: Hmm, well, why do you hide out in a room in the closet, and not behind a door with vents on it, near the living room, like in other apartments?

Hot Water Heater: *wooosh* *bubble bubble*

Mikeosaurus: Yeah, I can understand that, being a minor"deep web" celebrity myself, I do relish my privacy sometimes. But why the need for a door just like the ones leading to my closet, or the bedroom, or the bathroom, even? Isn't that a bit misleading?

Hot Water Heater: *ka-klunk* *b-b-b-b-brrrrrrrr-click*

Mikeosaurus: I assure you I didn't intend to offend you, I'm just trying to get down to brass tacks here.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble*

Mikeosaurs: No, brass tacks t-a-c-k-s, as in; things you put in a corkboard, not legislation to gain money from big band era trumpeters. I understand the confusion, though. Well, I guess I've learned all that I can from you, you seem to be recycling the same rhetoric at this point.

Hot Water Heater: *sploosh* *rumble rumble* *whrrrrr*

Mikeosaurus: ...yeah, like I said. Anyway, it's been a joy, I assure you, but I've got to run, "Empty Nest" is on TVLand.

So, there you have it! Deep from the cavernous insides of my apartment, the answers to life's burning questions have burst forth!

[editor's note: I did eat the sandwich and the fruit snacks. The vitamins were yucky, so I threw them away, and "Where the Wild things Are" proved to dense and involved to be the light reading for which I had hoped.]