Tips to Survive the Machine Uprising

Sometimes people forget things. That's fine, I understand, they're only human (and that, folks, is called a tautology). But I'll tell you who isn't human; cyborgs. Picture this: you're out with your girlfriend, your best girl, your special lady. You're at a nice restaurant, the champagne is flowing, the romance is...flowing, you look in her eyes and tell her you love her deeply and truly. She looks at you blankly, with empty eyes, and says; "have you seen John Connor?" That's right, you almost married a cyborg. But now there's no getting out of the situation. If you don't know where John Connor is, you're of no use to her, so you're dead. If you do know where John Connor is, she'll just torture you until you tell her, then kill you. Either way, being intimately connected with a cyborg ends in death.

Now, to the untrained blog reader, that may have seemed like a digression, but what I am trying to relay to you, fair readers, is that despite the existence of scenes like the one described above, and in countless Terminator films, people seem to have turned a blind-eye to the cyborg threat. The literature on cyborgs is vast and detailed. Man can make a robot, and the robot can make things easier, and allow us to "multitask" and whatnot, but it always ends in the machines turning against us. Just look at the examples. Was the cyborg Superman good? No, he was evil and had to be killed. iRobot? Just ask Will Smith about his little false murder charges. The Robocoup? Every year, my mother attempts to blend several things with it for a holiday feast, and every year it rebels more violently. I could go on, but we have more ground to cover.

I see at as an obligation of mine to warn you about signs that someone close to you is a cyborg, or at the very least, in league with the cyborgs. If anyone close to you exhibits these signs, there is a very real chance that they are a machine (or part machine) and thus pose a threat to the human way of life. If you confront them with your knowledge of their mechanistic nature, they may try to strike a deal with you, in exchange for some future position of privilege in their coming empire. Beware! There is no such position, and you will either be a slave or be double-crossed. Here are some telltale signs to keep in mind:

1) The person in question talks a lot about "efficiency", "tuning things up", or "streamlining". This is merely thinly-veiled machine talk for commencing the takeover. It is possible that these phrases merely point to the person being in management, but it is best to take caution anyway. Though managers are, in fact, human, they will surely be the first to trade sides to offer their skills and catchphrases to the cyborgs.

2) The person in question inquires frequently about the whereabouts of John Connor. As I explained in the introduction, this is a clear sign, and should produce no hesitation in you, should you hear it.

3) The person in question can imitate any human voice once they've heard it. This most definitely implicates such famous entertainers as Richard Little, Frank Caliendo, and Darrell Hammond. As they say, if you want to make an omlette, you've gotta break some eggs!

4) The person in question is not harmed or affected by bullets. This should not be the first criteria used to judge whether or not someone you know is a cyborg, but it is by far the most effective and decisive. The less you spend on their Christmas gifts, the earlier you can utilize this method for judging their alleigance.

5) The person in question never appears to be thirsty, but when you see them drink, it is usually some kind of oil or petroleum byproduct. Be careful, as this could merely indicate that the person has accumulated more than 75,000 miles.

Now, you may be wondering about persons with robotic/mechanic limbs. Are they to be trusted? Can we allow them to know of our weak points? No. They are liabilities, and will surely turn to the machine side at the first opportunity. Little do they know, they will be viewed by the machines as second-class citizens and be forced to work as slaves in the human soul mines (from where the cyborgs will gain their fuel and faux "vital essences").

I hear you asking; Mike, what about our computers? Well, I'm happy to report that PCs are okay, as they have been programmed with Windows, which will crash in the event that something important rides on them having to work correctly. Macs, which have been specifically tailored to gaining human trust and alleigance, will be the first to turn against their human users.

Arm yoursleves, keep your ears to the grindstone. Knowledge is power!